What to Say to a Breast Cancer Patient…and What Not to Say

When a friend or family member receives the bad news that they have cancer, we as human people don’t know what to say. We just don’t. Let me help you.

I can only speak to Breast Cancer and my own experiences. I have the super power to shake things off easily, so I wasn’t super offended by any of these statements. If you said one of these things to me, don’t worry about it at all. I understand that it’s a difficult sitch for everyone. There is no manual for this. Here is what I have learned. Please keep in mind that I am not an emotional person at all. So if your loved one is like me, here is what you need to do in this situation to help them get through this.

I found myself consoling a lot of people and apologizing for my cancer. I hate making people feel bad and felt like I was disappointing everyone and ruining their day.

I totally get that people love me so much. I can’t help that I’m so popular.

I love the movie Mean Girls and if you haven’t seen it yet, stop what you’re doing and go watch it.

Welcome back. Now you will get my Mean Girls one liners.

Okay, so, if your friend or family member tells you that they have cancer, please be strong for them. Don’t make them be the strong one. Don’t cry in front of them. Save it for when you are by yourself. I know it’s hard to watch someone you love go through this. I have been on that side of this too. Basically, don’t make their cancer about you. Instead, give them words like:

“I’m here for you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“This totally sucks.”

Send them cards with encouraging words. I have saved every single card that has been sent to me through this. I will keep them forever. Send them flowers and care packages. Send them funny texts and emails.

Please don’t question their choices about the treatment they have chosen. Whether it is chemo, radiation or natural treatment. Their choice is the right one for them. When you question if their treatment is the right one or try to persuade them to try a different way of treatment, it sends us into a tailspin of if we made the right choice or not. It makes us question our trust in our Doctors who are trying to save our life. In the midst of being scared and anxious, we just need the assurance that our choices are the right ones. Because they are the right ones for us.

It seemed like everyone was telling me of someone they knew who had died of breast cancer. Before that, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I might die from this. There were stories few and far between of survivors, and I know there are A LOT of us out there. That’s what I needed to hear. That I was going to be okay. I totally get that people were trying to relate to what I was going through, but hearing that everyone had died from what I had was terrifying. So please, if you ever have a loved one going through this, tell them my story and assure them that they are going to be fine.

Go visit your loved one even if they say they aren’t up for company. Sure, there are times when people need to stay away if the patient is neutropenic and their immune system is seriously compromised (like mine was for a while). Some of my sweet friends would leave me treats and gifts on my front porch during this time. That lifted my spirits a lot. But if they can have visitors, GO. My favorite times during this were when I didn’t feel like company and my friends would come over and lift my spirits anyway. We would laugh till we cried and we would forget about cancer for a little while. Those girls were in the mud and dirt and the nitty gritty with me and I am eternally grateful for a Tribe like them. Please include your loved one in things so they know they are not forgotten. Don’t treat them like they have cancer. Unless you can get some free stuff or get to the front of the line or something, then by all means, pull the cancer card! But otherwise, treat them the same as you always have. Make them laugh a lot.

If you can go to treatments with your friend or family member, please do. This has meant so much to me as a patient because going to treatment with someone requires bravery, planning, and time. Bravery because you never know what’s really going to happen. Neither does the patient. Most treatments are a breeze, but sometimes there are complications. Visiting an Oncologist is scary. Seeing people in the treatment room suffering is hard. Planning time to juggle kids, a job and everything else is a lot of work. Everyone has a lot on their plates. To take the time to pause all of that to come spend time with me is a most humbling honor.

Let your loved one voice their fears and worries and complain about the pit they are in. Don’t try to make them look on the bright side all the time. Sometimes, you just need to know that it’s okay to not be okay.

These empty Christian phrases got on my last nerve:

“Give it to God.”

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”

“God is in control.”

“God allows everything for a purpose.”

Like I didn’t know God or something and He didn’t know me. Like Jesus isn’t my BFF. These phrases are not helpful. Let’s just not say these anymore to people who are suffering mmmmmk? Instead, let’s try:

Like Joshua, “Be strong and courageous.”

Like Esther, “Who knows if you were made queen for such a time as this?”

and like Jeremiah: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a hope and a future.”

God’s words are always better than ours, aren’t they?

The only thing you are allowed to tell your loved one about their physical appearance is that they are beautiful. Especially when they are bald with no eyelashes or eyebrows. We know you’re lying, but it feels good to hear anyway.

You will be there with them, helping them claw and fight their way back to health in whatever capacity you can.

Remind them they are strong.

They can do this. So can you.