Mental Block

Hello! So sorry it’s been a minute since I have posted anything. As you can tell from this title,  I have been having weird mental blocks lately. Can’t seem to break through some of them.

For example, at yoga I couldn’t pull myself up onto the aerial silks. Had no problem doing it before. I had to use a step stool to get into them. Maybe I was tired, my wrist was tweaked from a work out the day before. Usually I can push through any pain. A few  days later, my friend asked if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I completely froze and freaked out. He’s so tiny. What if he breaks? I can’t do it! So silly right? I broke through that craziness and held sweet little Bennett and he fell asleep. During the Colfax Marathon, my calf snapped at mile 1. I freaking let myself slow down and was super slow. My runs absolutely suck lately as far as pace goes. Running is uncomfortable. I trained myself to be super uncomfortable by running after chemo treatments. Is it physical pain that I can’t push through anymore?

I remember sitting at a stoplight last year thinking, “Will there be a day when my strength to suppress pain runs out?” I envisioned a long cliff with an end to it. I may have reached the end of my pain tolerance cliff. Maybe I’m just tired of being strong.

I have been suppressing so much for so long that it is coming out in small panic attacks and the inablilty to push forward in some circumstances.

But I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. As a reminder of this, I put a little 4:13 under my new tattoo that says, Actually, I can. Because I can. Not through my strength, but through His.

Meghan took Sara and I to Newport Beach, CA for Beach Week 2019. We just made that up because we were in Hawaii together the same dates last year. It’s a thing now. These girls supported so hard that their breast cancer support bracelets broke a couple of times and they had to get new ones. It was time to get rid of them for good, so we ceremoniously burned them. Here is the video:

We were also so blessed to get to see Meghan’s gorgeous friends from college and my Auntie Denise and Uncle Chris, and our forever family friend Donna.

Liv and I also went to see one of my sisters, Kristen, to help her get everything ready for the arrival of her baby boy! She lives in Washington in a beautiful area. Kristen and I put together a bunch of baby stuff because we don’t need no man to do that for us.Her hubby is in the Army in Georgia, but will be home in time for the baby’s birth. We had a ton of fun. Liv and I love to leave trips in a dramatic fashion. One time, Jer, Kristen, Liv an I literally running through the streets of NYC the night before Thanksgiving to catch our train. We got on the train and the doors closed seconds later. It was a great exit! This time, we went sailing on our way to the airport. It was so peaceful and we saw some seals, jellyfish and schools and schools of fish.

Oh, we also ran the Boulder Boulder on Memorial Day! It was so special because it was my first race since cancer that I did with my faithful race buddies Sara and Meghan. It was almost an emotional finish, but I still can’t cry and run at the same time. I am so grateful to be doing the things I love again. My Jeremy was there of course, my constant support and biggest fan.

So, in spite of everything mentally and physically blocking me, I am choosing joy and strength. I actually cried the other day. My Dad, Liv and I watched I Can Only Imagine. It’s about the band Mercy Me. Watch it! I cried for hours though and I can’t seem to stop. Everything is making me cry. It’s a good thing though. Glad I’m not an actual robot anymore.

Remember that everything is temporary. Enjoy every second.

I Can Only Imagine

Love,

Tahnee