Today I was putting away my wall of cards that I received since September 2017. There are over 100 of them. I found a pretty box to put everything in and took everything down. I put my wig away that hardly got worn because it made me too hot. I got rid of the last of the prescriptions I was for some reason keeping on hand for nausea and pain. I’m still just on the Anastrozole and Citalopram. It was very therapeutic to put everything away. We are really done with this. I made it. Our bedroom looks so empty now.
You guys…..what is wrong with me? I should be so ecstatic to be mosty done with all of this hell and not depressed or anxious. I don’t know what to do next. I want to erase all evidence that this ever happened but it’s etched on my skin and in my soul. I don’t know how to move forward.
I can’t go back to the me before cancer because that girl was naive, practically a child. She didn’t know how strong she would have to be. Now when I see my smile and my eyes, they look a little wiser and a little sad, almost haunted and always tired. My body and mind are not as strong as they were. I’ve used up my yearly supply of strength. Because of the medicines I am on, I get physically weak when my body is working too hard. Then I get mad and work harder and it’s a dumb cycle because it makes me even weaker.
Peace still abounds in my heart. Maybe I’m thinking too much. All these thoughts rock around in my mind. Jesus told us we would have troubles but we will have peace in Him and to take heart, because He has overcome the world. – John 16:33.
I am thankful I am here to be with my sweet family and see Liv turn 13 on September 13th.
3 weeks later………
Life has not been great lately. A lot of dumb things. But I still have peace in my heart and I know I am doing what God has asked of me.
I am happy to say I am not going to be taking my anti cancer meds anymore (the Anastrozole) and I am going to manage it with nutrition. My Dr. fully supports this. Those meds were too hard on my mind. I literally didn’t want to be here anymore. The meds are no guarantee that the cancer will not come back. My quality of life is too important to me. The mood shifts, depression, anxiety, weight gain, bone pain….it’s just not worth it to me. I want to LIVE each day I am given, not just get through it. I am also meeting with a counselor twice a day and she is helping immensely. I feel like a new chapter has been opened. I’m ready to live life to it’s very fullest. I’m ready to be whoever I am meant to be now.
Whatever we go through, God can use. All of our brokenness, all of our pain. If we choose to, we can show who HE is through it and in turn, we can uncover more and more of who HE is and show it to this broken world that desperately needs a savior.
It’s incredibly hard when you are in that dark place. Trust me, I know. Surround yourself with friends and family who you can be your shattered self with. I know I wouldn’t have made it through without my core group of girlfriends. Be with the people who cheer you on, not bring you down. The ones who straighten your crown and not tell others it was crooked. The ones who make you laugh so hard you cry.
I am truly thankful for my scars. All 11 of them on my torso. More than I can count on my soul. Can you see the beauty in yours? We all have them. You are not alone.
Scars- I AM THEY
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use
So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore
So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful
I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Love you so much dear friend
Dearest Tahnee…I have been connected to you thru your Mom….a dear friend and colleague here at LANL. You are providing such peace thru this post, for it has been a season of great sadness and joy with my Mom who is ill. Some days you feel as if you can’t bear the confusion, the “heart wrenchingness” of it all, the fatigue. But you do because He carries you….he brings blessings to us and the one we care for. God bless you Tahnee and thank you so for the guidance you provide and have provided. I see the Lord in every posting.
Lynne, I’m so sorry your Mom is ill. I pray each of your days are filled with peace that only comes from Him and so much love. Thank you for the heartfelt encouragement.
– Tahnee
Oh Tahnee, that made me cry so hard…………I still can not imagine all the pain, depression, anxiety, and the fear your mind and body went through. We can all pray for you to get better but none of us really know unless we go through it too. Love you so much, so happy you have chosen a path that will work for you so that you can get on with your life and feel happy about it. You are still such an inspiration to so many people including me. I will keep praying that your mind and your body will come together and be very happy. Love you with all my heart!