Staying Sober

Staying sober, or as I have been calling it, Being Alcohol Free, is much harder for me this time around.

I didn’t realize how much I had been dulling my emotions with it after cancer.

During cancer, especially during the intense chemo, I couldn’t drink. But when my body started feeling less like I was dying, and chemo was more spaced out, I began drinking again.

Now, we all pretty much know I’m an all or nothing person. I am very extreme. I don’t do anything half way.

Years ago, Jeremy and I quit drinking because we were drinking way too much. We were sober for 3ish years. During that time, we did Celebrate Recovery and 12-step programs.

I thought I could start drinking again because God had healed all of my emotional scars that led me to a life of addiction drinking.

It started off okay, but before long, I was drinking too much again. Not in the mornings and not even every night. But every time I drank, I would get wasted. I could never just have one.

Then came the cancer, the PTSD from that and the drinking. Back to square one.

I have been doing research and have found that drinking and breast cancer are linked. I really really really don’t want to get cancer again. I do think that is part of the reason I got cancer in the first place.

I have been Alcohol Free for 117 days today.

When life gets stressful, I still want a glass of wine. When my emotions bubble up, I want to shut them down.

Here is the weird part though. Whenever I actually smell alcohol, it makes me want to “toss my cookies.” It actually turns my tummy.

I know I will never have another alcoholic drink again, ever.

It’s not in line with the person I want to be.

My mind is clearer than ever. I have lost weight. I never have a hangover. I am present. I can feel my feelings (still struggling with that one to be a good thing but I know it is). I can remember things. I can figure out anything. I am productive. I’m unstoppable now more than ever before.

I wanted to hide this. I hid in shame for 117 days.

But God tells us to delight in our weaknesses. For when we are weak, then we are strong. His power is made perfect in our weakness.

I don’t think of my self “In Recovery” or an “Alcoholic”. I don’t want to label myself with those titles.

I’m just me being me. Working towards the best version of me.

I really don’t care if you drink around me. No judgement. That’s your choice, not mine. It doesn’t bother me a bit. You do you, boo.

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “Staying Sober”

  1. ❤️ I too am an all or nothing kind of gal and have been in recovery for 28 years! God bless you! I make a choice each and every day to stay clean and sober! You are a beautiful human being!

  2. Oh Tahnee. I so hope & pray you will stay sober. I can’t drink, It makes me sick and that’s fine with me 🙂 I had a fatty liver (NAFLD) for about 10 yrs. It was attributed to being a sweet tooth. Yes, sugar is bad for us. Sugar has the same effects on our liver as alcohol. Makes sense when we consider how alcohol is made. Fermentation process (sugar). God’s blessing on you and yours…

  3. Hi Tahnee, so very proud of you……God Bless you for your decisions. I’ms so happy that you feel so good about yourself now. I’m very happy that you are writing a book because I feel you can inspire anybody. You are such a lovely person inside and out. Love you forever

Comments are closed.