Author: Tahnee

Like most biological moms, I remember being pregnant and my beautiful daughter being born like it was yesterday. I remember finding out, the fear and excitement, my body changing and growing. Our families were so excited. She was the first baby in a long time on all sides of the family. Liv is 12 now, so we were not in the trend of having gender reveal parties. We were pretty sure she was a girl though. Jeremy went to every doctor appointment with me. We had a birth plan. We went to classes. We brought her home and still didn’t know what we were doing but we figured it out, for the most part.

On the Eve of Jesus’ birthday, I can’t help but wonder what his mom Mary was thinking and feeling on this day 2018 years ago. She was a young girl, so I can imagine she was feeling excited, fearful, unsure. At some point she must have thought, Is this really happening? If this is God’s Son, why am I giving birth in a dirty, unsanitary barn? How can this be? It makes no human sense. She didn’t have an epidural or a birth plan.

Then there was Joseph. His fiancee is pregnant and having a baby that’s not his. What a man of faith. What a man of love. He stood by her side.

Jesus came into this world in a lowly, humble way. As a vulnerable baby, in a messy barn.  He came to save us not as a rich earthly king or a knight in shining armor but in the most unpretentious way possible. God could have brought us a savior any way he wanted. And He chose this way.

When you see a mess, God sees a miracle waiting to happen. It’s often in our deepest pain, He can show us His greatest power.

Mary had great faith. Faith that I cannot even imagine. A weight of responsibility. Raising the Son Of God.

As we celebrate Christmas this year, I hope we can take a moment to pause and remember the manger. Remember the great faith of Mary. Remember the King of the Universe came to save you and me by being born in a filthy dirty place. By coming into this world to save it as a tiny baby boy. There is always beauty in the mess. You just have to look for it.

I hope your Holiday is filled with love, hope and peace. If it is a hard time for you, as it is for many, I pray you can find hope. Reach out to friends and family. Talk to God. He is readily awaiting for conversations with us. He is just a prayer away.

Here is a song that has always made me pause.

So….I went to Hawaii…..again.

How is this my life? Hawaii twice in one year?!

My little sister Kristen is in the Army and had to get a job done out there so she invited me to go with her. This time, I visited Oahu and we stayed in Waikiki. This island was different from Maui but just as beautiful. It has such a big city vibe but with the mountains and the ocean. I loved it. We hiked, snorkeled, went to a luau and ate a bunch of really great food. The weather was fabulous and the ocean was warm. I spent my 1 year anniversary after double mastectomy there. October 25. I went on a hike by myself to Manoa Falls in the rainforest to celebrate. It felt like a special, sacred place. What a gift to randomly be there on that day. God always has a plan. Maybe not so random at all.

So, beach = bikini

I’m feeling much better now than during the May trip. That being said, I am more aware of how I look now. Before, I felt like shit and didn’t care AT ALL. Putting on my bikini with no breasts, radiation marks, scars, and a few pounds heavier (thank you menopause) was a little bothersome at first. I almost didn’t wear it.

But then I thought, This body is rocking and amazing. In the last year, it has survived cancer, chemo, radiation and surgeries. It can still run, hike, do yoga and lift weights. I can still laugh till I cry. I can go on adventures. I can help people up when they are down. Most importantly, I can still hug and hold my friends and family. Oh, and I can still dance like J Lo.

 

Friends, our bodies are so much more than what we look like. Think of all the things the body does for us every single day. It stays alive while we sleep, it tell us when something is too hot or too cold, the body can be repaired from a virus or a cut or a broken bone. Or cancer.  The body tells us when to eat, when to drink. It signals pain when something is wrong. It feels empathy, happiness, love. It is an amazing creation.

Society…….ughhhhh….society tells us we are of little to no value if we are not society’s standard of beautiful. But I say screw society. If you are a girlie girl, be you. If you are a tomboy, be you. If you weigh 90 pounds or 500 pounds, You. Be. You. It’s just a freaking number. If you are smart, funny, sensitive, creative BE YOU. If you are something that there is no label for, I really want to be your friend, and you be you. Beauty is in your smile, your words, your heart. Don’t let anyone hold you back. Embrace who you are and run with it. You were not born to be mediocre. You were made to shine bright. Be your true self, and that is beauty beyond measure.

This song has been my anthem for about the last year now. This video is so raw and beautiful and real. Hope you enjoy it!

Okay, so we have a 12 year old middle school daughter. Enough said, everybody pray for us.

No but really, Liv is amazing and will succeed in all she does. Because she has always been one strong willed stubborn girl. As you can imagine, this was very challenging in her toddler years. Reasoning with a Toddler can be like reasoning with a Drunk Person. (DP)

Let’s compare the two:

• Toddler: They cry because you didn’t give them the right cup
• DP: They cry because they are cut off from alcoholic beverages for the night
• Toddler: They get mad because their socks feel weird
• DP: They might take their shoes off and walk places they shouldn’t
• Toddler: They take off their pants because they aren’t comfortable anymore
• DP: They take off their clothes. Because, alcohol.
• Toddler: You have to bribe them to leave the park
• DP: You have to bribe them to leave the bar

Here is a pic of Liv having a very big temper tantrum at a wedding. I just love her bratty face.

I learned early on which battles to fight with her and which ones to leave alone. Food was a trigger for her so I never made her eat all her food and she pretty much got to eat whatever she wanted. I’m surprised she didn’t turn into a ramen noodle. I learned to let her wear whatever she wanted, no matter how much it didn’t match or if it was a princess dress for weeks. One year, she was obsessed with Bethany Hamilton and insisted on wearing her bikini under her clothes and her arm inside her shirt. At home and out in public. If you haven’t see Soul Surfer yet, DO IT. It’s a true story. Bethany is a surfer who survived a shark attack in which ended up with her losing an arm. She’s super inspirational.

As Liv grows, our battles change. Now, we talk about dressing modestly so we don’t attract the wrong kind of attention. We talk about boys and keeping a good reputation. We talk about how being kind is better than being right. We talk about that one A LOT. We talk about social media, depression and anxiety. I do my very best to coach her through basically all the struggles of being a 6th grade girl.

She LOVES middle school, BTW. A drastic change from elementary.

She steps up to the plate to defend her faith, and also has grown an empathy for people she didn’t have before. Cancer did that.

She’s at that age where she needs to fight her own battles.

I am learning that God picks our battles.

Wait. WTF?

God picked for me to have cancer and go through hell for the last year?

Yep.  

That is a tough pill to swallow. There were times during this I couldn’t even talk to God. I felt so shocked. That’s where you all came in. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I felt so incredibly prayed for, covered and protected.

God picked this battle for me to fight. And He fought it for me. It totally sucked, but it could have sucked worse. He gave me strength, courage and so much love to endure the battle. I remembered that He had been preparing me for this for years. My food allergies, being in the best physical shape of my life, and making my mind and body and spirit incredibly disciplined are all things He did to prepare me. He even changed my job so I was able to focus on healing and fighting and not lose any income. He had us get a cancer policy 2 years before we needed it.

It’s astonishing how well God took care of us and prepared the way.

This is the last race I ran in before we found out about the cancer. It was a sprint triathlon relay with my Kiki and our friend John. Kiki swam, John biked and I ran. Kiki found out she had cancer 2 weeks after I found out about mine. It was the same kind. She’s doing great now!

Whatever battle you are going through, let Him fight it for you. He knows exactly what He is doing. It will all make sense one day. I don’t think I will ever know here on Earth why God picked me, and a lot of other people, to fight this one. I don’t know why He spared my life. But some day, we will know.

“One day I’ll stand before you and look back on the life I’ve lived. I can’t wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit.” – Casting Crowns