Author: Tahnee Wydra

Hi Friends!

What would it feel like to flow through life like a river? To flow in and flow out of each project, relationship, even to flow into and out of sleep?

God has been speaking to me a lot about partnering with Him and cooperating. He has also been showing me water and rivers.

First of all, I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t cooperating. What a good Father we have that He showed me the places He wants me to be with Him. Obedience. Living for Him in all aspects of my life. Wanting to hear Him say, “Well done.” Making His heart happy and bringing Heaven to Earth.

One of the places He wants to be honored is with my finances. Now, I am a radical giver. I love to give. Jeremy and I tithe and we love to go above and beyond to bless others. The area where I am lacking is in the receiving. Giving and Receiving go hand in hand. I plain suck at receiving! If someone compliments me, I brush it off instead of receiving. If someone helps me unexpectedly, I don’t know how to react. My brain does not compute. The flow of giving and receiving isn’t operating the way it was meant to. The root of this is ultimately pride. I have this mentality that I can do it all myself and would rather die than ask for help. Come on, Tahnee!

I had to be good at receiving help when I was sick. Then somewhere over the last few years, I went back to my “I don’t need help” attitude of living. It wasn’t until recently that God showed me this is an area I need to let go of.

How loved are we that the King of the Universe will show us what we need to do if only we seek Him.

Now, for the river and water part. I see a large river and my heart is in the middle of it. It flows down, through my heart and out. This is how Giving and Receiving should be. A constant flow.

I’m going to be working on the receiving part of this. What about you? Is this something that resonates with you?

If you want to work on the giving part, I saw today that my friend Hannah Perry is looking for donations so she can go to YWAM. Pray about it, share it on the socials. Hannah graduated high school last year and she is so meant to be a missionary. She is on fire for Jesus! Here is her donation link:

https://www.spotfund.com/story/12db20e0-c9a7-4d7d-af4d-e3ce175d6a1a?SFID=31DC43

If you are like me and need to work on the receiving, please know you are not alone in this! Be aware of when you need help and when you receive, don’t stomp it down. Know it is straight from God and raise a Hallelujah!

Keep the flow going through your heart like a river.

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Love you,

Tahnee

God is moving and moving fast.

In October of 2019, God nudged us to go check out Citipointe Church here in Northern Colorado. He reminded me that an old friend went there. The day we walked in, we knew it would be our church home. The youth leaders went straight up to Liv after the service and invited her to Youth group. They were so loving and welcoming towards her.

Liv didn’t want to go, but I basically pushed her out of the car and said “Love you, byeeeee!”

She gave her life to Jesus that very night.

She loved youth group and all of her friends she was making there. She found her people. They all quickly became part of our life.

A year of Pandemic later caused lots of panic and anxiety attacks for Liv, and for a lot of people. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been getting more therapy lately myself. People are not okay.

Are you okay? Please reach out.

We know God is above all of that.

God is above sickness and anxiety and panic and disease. He is above covid and cancer and the flu. He is above people being paralyzed. We witnessed a miracle yesterday when we were praying over a woman who couldn’t feel her legs for 2 years started to feel sensation in them and took steps out of her wheelchair. Praise God! My brain is still trying to process that and I saw it with my own eyes and felt it in my own heart. God is Good!

Things not of this world are happening. Heaven is coming to Earth.

Is God moving more quickly or are there more of us saying YES? Yes to pressing in, to getting uncomfortable, to moving with Him, to believing, to accepting, to following His voice? Probably both.

Whatever is happening, its Crazy Cool.

Here is a video of another miracle. Our Liv said YES and got baptized on January 24, 2021. The beautiful woman of God who baptized her is her mentor, Cierra.

Liv is still having anxiety, but it is lifting day by day. Join us in praying for her and against anxiety. She is learning how to pray over herself. We can see the fire in her and she is going to fight this and be okay. Better than okay, completely restored. Her life will be a beautiful testimony about God’s love for us all.

“No weapon formed against you will succeed”-Isaiah 54:17

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

There was once a planet full of people.

Each rushing around and only caring about themselves. Worried about what they were going to wear, where they were going to eat, what they were going to drink. They complained about their jobs, about going to school. Their schedules were filled each day with no time to rest and very little time to spend with their loved ones.

The people’s hearts were hard. They thought the world owed them something, instead of asking themselves what they could do to help their world.

The people were arguing and trying to shout their way into changing other people’s minds. There was great division among them. They argued over trivial things like what shade of blue the sky was, to more serious topics like politics, sexual orientation and religion. They tried to get everyone to see things their own way, from their point of view. It was not done with love. It was done by name calling and being very rude to each other. It caused much strife among the people.

Their planet itself was sick. It was full of pollution and decay.

So, their planet made a choice for them.

The God of the Universe allowed His greatest enemy to unleash a sickness the planet had never seen before.

It was a very contagious virus. The older people were in much danger. People were dying from this virus.

Schools began to close. The governments of the planet ordered the people to stay at home. Some did, some didn’t. The virus continued to spread and kill.

People were spreading this virus without knowing they were infected. Some felt fine and would go and visit elderly friends and family, or people with suppressed immune systems and unknowingly infect them with the virus. Their loved ones would get the virus and most had to be hospitalized and put on ventilators. Soon, the hospitals ran out of sick beds and ventilators and the Doctors and Nurses had to decide which patients would live and which patients would die.

Businesses were forced to shut down to stop the spread of the virus. People were worried about where their next paycheck would come from.

The stores ran out of essential supplies because the people were buying too much at a time for the stores to keep up with . The people were still only thinking of themselves.

Then one day, after many many people around the planet had died, the people decided stay home. When they would go out to shop for groceries, they would take only what they needed and saved the rest for others.

They began spending time with their children and partners and reaching out to family members and neighbors to make sure they were okay.

The people thought less and less of just themselves and began to focus on others.

The planet healed and the virus disappeared.

The people came out of their homes. They appreciated their jobs. They hugged their family tighter, knowing the memories made from this time will be told for generations to come.

The people continued to love each other and their planet. When disagreements would come up, they helped each other understand.

The people asked themselves each day, not what can the world do for me, but WHAT CAN I do for the world?

Verses of Hope:

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost- Luke 19:10

Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, What shall we eat? or What shall were drink? or What shall we wear? – Matthew 6:25-31

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. – Mark 30-31

Love,

Tahnee XO

Sooooo, I started training for my third half marathon today. I always thought that I would want to do a full marathon one day, but I just don’t want to. I love to run and I don’t want to squash that love. It would be too much of a good thing, which I am so good at over doing. Examples: Too much exercise, too much alcohol, too much sugar, too much volunteering, too much of doing things for my family that they can easily do for themselves, working too much. It’s a form of self abuse, or self sabotage. I can be very extreme, which I think is part of what saved me and why God spared my life.

In preparing for training for this race, I went back through all of my pictures over the last 2 years or so. I found a lot of selfies on my runs. I am so thankful that I captured these moments, especially when I was going through chemo and radiation. Seeing myself going through cancer and still running was so inspiring. Cancer Tahnee inspired Healthy Tahnee.

There were times when I really thought I was dying, but I would go for a run. That’s determination. That’s my extreme side. I forced myself to still be a runner. I wasn’t going to let cancer take that away from me too.

I was really sick with a sinus infection over this past Christmas for over 20 days. We were visiting family in Minnesota. It totally sucks to be sick while traveling. The plane ride home was torture for my ears, I thought they were going to burst.

I’m definitely better, after 10 days of antibiotics.

Today was the first day I ran since before Christmas. I ran 3.3 miles in a little over 30 minutes, which is really good time for me. It felt so good to get back to it. I had still been doing cardio and light weight training, but hadn’t felt well enough to run. Haha, I could run on chemo but a sinus infection sidelined me for almost a month!

I’m really excited to train for this race. It’s the first time I have trained since being 158 days alcohol free. Everything is so much easier now. No hangovers, no sluggishness, no crazy sweat. Now it’s just an attitude of LETS DO THIS! Typically, I am stressed when I sign up for races. This time, I can see myself easily crossing that finish line.

I quit drinking to remain cancer free. Cancer had to happen, then the horrible reaction to the anti cancer drugs in order for me to choose a healthier life. Now I feel like my runs are much more efficient and my body just works better.

I’m taking Mindset Training and two things stuck with me this week that I have heard before, but it resonates now more than ever.

1. Who do I have to be to dream again? I have had big dreams since I was a little girl. It’s time to make them real.

2. Hell on Earth is meeting the person you could have been. I definitely don’t want to have any regrets.

I am a runner, so I run. That one is easy. The rest of me is finding my truth of who I was designed to be. I can be whoever I want to be. Determination will get me there. I was made for this. Now is the time. No more second guessing. I’m an awesome Mom and Wife. I’m a great business owner. I’m a writer. I’m an artist. I’m an encourager. I can speak truth. I can see the silver lining in almost anything. I see the good in people.

I don’t say these things to sound braggy (is that a word? I just made it a word). I say these things because I am celebrating who I am. You can be whoever you want to be. It’s never too late. Now is the time. Right now. You are here for a reason. God picks people with problems, who have fought battles. He will always use you if you let Him.

Run your race.

I will be there cheering for you as you cross your finish line, whatever that might look like for you.

I felt like I was going to die this day but I ran anyway, naturally. 

Look at all that hair growing back!

This precious girl prayed for me while I was sick. We got to meet at a race and she saw that God answers prayers.

Here is a video of me running and encouraging myself:

 

I love looking back and seeing how far I have come.

 

Our thoughts are so powerful. We become what we think about most of the time. I could have easily given up and crawled into a ball and stayed there.

I’m a runner, so I run. That’s just a small part of me, but it is me.

Who do you want to be? You get to choose.

Love,

Tahnee XO

 

Australia is on fire.

Iran attacked American troop housing in Iraq.

Politics have divided our country.

In my little house, I am battling a sinus infection and our dog Jack is hurt so he is on pain meds. We are taking it easy together.

I was at lunch the other day, and someone said, “He is a great man of God, but he worries about everything.”

That got me thinking.

Can Faith and Fear co exist?

I like to be in the positive realm of life. I’m an optimist, a glass half full kinda girl.

When people ask me, “Aren’t you afraid of this?” or “Aren’t you afraid of that?” I often honestly respond with, “That thought has never entered my mind.”

Life is uncertain. Always.

But you know what?

I am not in charge of any of this.

God is.

He reigns on His throne.

He will put out the fires in Australia.

He will be with the broken hearted in Iraq and throughout the world.

Our one true God loves all of us, no matter which political party we belong to.

He will heal little ol’ me and my dog. Because we matter to God.

There really doesn’t need to be any worry as long as we remember who is in charge of all of this. I’m sure glad it’s not me.

Faith and Fear cannot co exist. It is one or the other.

In these fearful times, I challenge you to live a life of faith. Be the light this world so desperately needs.

Love just a little bit more.

Love,

Tahnee XO

 

 

 

 

These past couple of years have been full of transformation.

2019 was awesome, full of hope and new beginnings.

The beginning of our life without cancer treatments.

The beginning of our business taking on bigger jobs.

The beginning of writing my book.

Our teenager being on fire for Jesus and being excited to go to church. (WHAAAAT?!!!!)

The hope that I am taking good care of myself to give my body a fighting chance at not getting a re occourance of cancer, without taking the awful (for me) anti cancer meds.

Choosing to be alcohol free.

Learning self love for my mind body and soul. True fierce self love.

Of course, there were sad and awful times too. This is life.

Digging out of depression.

Loving our teenager through her teens.

Fighting for our marriage.

The loss of family members.

As we have more life under our belts, I am seeing the good with the bad. As I have said before, when going through the nitty gritty of the cancer, I could not let myself feel the awful, as I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to pull myself out of it.

This led to people telling me I was being fake, not genuine. That hurt. I was putting what I could of my soul out for the world.

Everyone deals with literally every situation differently. I sure did the best I could and I know I beat the hell out of cancer sooooo fucking well.

I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Last year, I beat cancer, I ran a half marathon in Disney World, I jumped out of a plane, I got an editor and a publisher and I started my book.

I can feel another shift coming. I am feeling more determined than ever. My mind is curious and eager to learn and open to any and all possibilities. Now I just need to pick where I want to focus my energy.

As we start the year, we are at the edge of something very cool. Anything can happen.

Who do you want to be at the beginning of NEXT year? Who would you like to be in January 2021? Would you like to continue progressing and growing into your next great season? Or, are you in a tough spot where you are just trying to get through to the next day? Friends, I completely understand both all too well.

Wherever you are at, please keep fighting. There is more. Like me, you get to choose where you want to focus for your self growth. Learn a new language, pick up an instrument, start a Bible study, take time for art and reading and date nights (with yourself, friends, or your partner). Take time for dancing and love. Especially take that time to love yourself. Fill up your bucket first or you will have nothing to pour out for others. It’s not being selfish. It’s being smart.

If you are wondering, what does that look like day to day? I have no time! I realized I was constantly telling myself this recently. I did some work to shift that mindset and now I think, “Wow, I have so much time! I have all the time in the world. I have an over abundance of time!” This has helped tremendously.

Just do one thing for yourself everyday. Start with one. Get a work out in, go for a hike, go skiing! Paint, draw, write, read! Pet dogs, hold babies! There are so many things. Find yours.

If you want to, please let me know what you decide to do for YOU. Treat yourself. Expand your mind. I would LOVE to hear what you are doing!

For me, I’m going to keep working out, reading, writing, AND I am learning Italian!

THEN, let me know how it fills you up and you feel so full you burst and pour your love and light out onto others.

Let’s do this.

Here is a song I recently added to my playlist. It’s super fun. Hope you enjoy it too!

Brand New

 

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

 

Staying sober, or as I have been calling it, Being Alcohol Free, is much harder for me this time around.

I didn’t realize how much I had been dulling my emotions with it after cancer.

During cancer, especially during the intense chemo, I couldn’t drink. But when my body started feeling less like I was dying, and chemo was more spaced out, I began drinking again.

Now, we all pretty much know I’m an all or nothing person. I am very extreme. I don’t do anything half way.

Years ago, Jeremy and I quit drinking because we were drinking way too much. We were sober for 3ish years. During that time, we did Celebrate Recovery and 12-step programs.

I thought I could start drinking again because God had healed all of my emotional scars that led me to a life of addiction drinking.

It started off okay, but before long, I was drinking too much again. Not in the mornings and not even every night. But every time I drank, I would get wasted. I could never just have one.

Then came the cancer, the PTSD from that and the drinking. Back to square one.

I have been doing research and have found that drinking and breast cancer are linked. I really really really don’t want to get cancer again. I do think that is part of the reason I got cancer in the first place.

I have been Alcohol Free for 117 days today.

When life gets stressful, I still want a glass of wine. When my emotions bubble up, I want to shut them down.

Here is the weird part though. Whenever I actually smell alcohol, it makes me want to “toss my cookies.” It actually turns my tummy.

I know I will never have another alcoholic drink again, ever.

It’s not in line with the person I want to be.

My mind is clearer than ever. I have lost weight. I never have a hangover. I am present. I can feel my feelings (still struggling with that one to be a good thing but I know it is). I can remember things. I can figure out anything. I am productive. I’m unstoppable now more than ever before.

I wanted to hide this. I hid in shame for 117 days.

But God tells us to delight in our weaknesses. For when we are weak, then we are strong. His power is made perfect in our weakness.

I don’t think of my self “In Recovery” or an “Alcoholic”. I don’t want to label myself with those titles.

I’m just me being me. Working towards the best version of me.

I really don’t care if you drink around me. No judgement. That’s your choice, not mine. It doesn’t bother me a bit. You do you, boo.

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

 

 

It’s December, the Christmas Season for the majority of people.

Gifts to be bought, wrapped, and sent. Cards to address and send out. Homes to be decorated. Movies to be watched. Christmas parties to attend.

For most of us, it turns into this crazy busy season that bring stress, extra pounds (all of those extra sweets! Ahhhhh!) and a general sense of anxiety.

My cousin, Alicia, hosted a live blog last month. She’s an amazing woman of God and an Author. She is also a Wife, Mom, Teacher, and probably a hundred other things. In short, she is awesome and I highly respect her. So, on her live blog last month, she shared something that has really stuck with me. She teaches English to Chinese students in China, via the web. The students were learning about different holidays around the world. Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Christmas, etc. When they got to the Christmas unit, they learned that we decorate our houses with lights and trees, we have dinner with our families and give gifts. When they got to the Ramadan unit, they learned that they devote the ENTIRE month to prayer, fasting and community.  They want to know more about God. They dedicate their whole month to a heightened awareness of knowing God.

Wow.

That hit me hard. The reason my family and I celebrate Christmas is to celebrate God sending His son, Jesus into the world to save it, real life super hero style. I want my Christmas to look more like Ramadan, devoting the entire month to the actual reason I celebrate.

We decided on less material, more experience and Jesus centered. We hardly put up any decorations. Rudolph got left in the Christmas tub along with Frosty and Santa. We took out all of our things that symbolize Jesus instead so that He can take center stage.

I gave myself a personal gift of doing random acts of kindness every day this month. You all know how very much I love those! To bring Heaven to Earth, to shine my savior everywhere I go.

Now, it’s the 5th day of December and I have only lost my peace a couple of times.

I keep telling myself: “I have so much time!” in order to keep my cool.

I’m rewiring my brain and changing how I talk to myself.

Instead of: I have too much work to do, I’m never going to get it all done! (crying in a corner and freaking out)

I’m trying: Wow, we are so blessed with so much work, thank you Jesus! I’m going to schedule better to make sure I have Bible study in the morning and my physical activity (both of these are a must. It’s like my happy medicine) and family time at the end of the day. Work on the business work during business hours and I need to remember to take breaks.

PS I hate schedules and structure but it is needed in this season of life. Whoops. I mean, I’m going to schedule my day to the hour to make sure I get to do everything I want to do and I want to make sure everything gets done.

Sigh, this is going to take more practice.

The buying and wrapping of the gifts and getting things sent out in time can get a little stressful too. I’m calling this:

Project Christmas.

That way, I can schedule it into my day but I don’t have to get it all done at once. It’s a project! Fun! I love giving and wrapping gifts and that love feeling needs to stay, especially during Christmas.

We are doing some service projects as a family to shine more love into dark places in our community. This was Liv’s idea and I couldn’t be more proud of her.

I am truly looking forward to the rest of this month. Although very busy, I am here. I am alive. Let my life be a beautiful symphony of praise to my Maker.

We have so much time if we schedule it and don’t waste it to make a difference, yet life is so short.

Use all of the time we have here to actually DO SOMETHING.

What are you waiting for?

Love,

Tahnee XO

Healing. Healing is hard work. This world can really beat someone up. This world can also look so amazing after the darkness clears.

I was sitting at church the other day and the tears would not stop. God has given me a second chance at life and I’m just now grasping how incredible that is. Feelings lately have been big. I’m happy to have them again. Welcome, feelings. Where have you been hiding? In the land of survival, that’s where.

When I am plugged in to Jesus, I can hear him clear as day. I know God speaks to people through visions, dreams, a pressing on the heart. Our conversations lately have been all about possibilities.

It’s time to start writing my book.

In preparation for this, I went back through my Caringbridge posts for research. I had forgotten some of the things that had happened. I had forgotten how scared I was. I forgot how strong I would have to be. I could only read from September 2017 to November 2017. I was in tears. It all seems like a bad nightmare now. But I have the scars, emotional and physical, to remind me that it was all very real.

I am so beyond grateful to still be here. That was not true a few months ago but it IS now. I want to live the hell out of this second chance at life. Every morning brings new possibilities. I want to learn, to grow, to love. To be Little But Fierce as Fu**. My goals are huge. And I know they will come to fruition.

I want to challenge you to wake up each morning with excitement in your soul. Be strong, be fierce, be love.

Psalm 91: 13-16: You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

Here is something only my very inner circle knows. Jeremy and I quit drinking 71 days ago. I quit because I was drinking way too much after cancer to dull my emotional turmoil. Also, because I fought so hard to stay alive so why sabotage my health with alcohol? Jeremy quit for his own reasons, he can tell you about it. It’s his story to tell, not mine.

I feel so free and clear headed. My body is loving it. I am trying new things with all of these extra hours. My mind is hungry for information and learning. I’m doing martial arts stick fighting now at this Karate dojo here in Loveland. It’s real life dance fighting. Where has this been all my life? I am getting tons of sleep and waking up super refreshed.

I have been reading sobriety books and following sobriety blogs.

Funny thing when you stop numbing your feelings. They come through loud and clear. I have a counselor who has been helping me through.

I have been doing the Mind Body Revolution which has been rewiring my mind to self love. I have been working out differently and eating better to help my body. It came into my life at just the right time. It pulled me out of the worst depression I have ever had.

My spiritual growth is getting deeper and more meaningful.

I am learning so much about alcohol and how addictive it is and how unhealthy it is. All of our marriage problems have always centered around alcohol. So, it’s pretty simple. We want to stay married, so alcohol is a non negotiable. We both deserve better than what we had been giving each other. I had to ask myself, “Would life be better if I was sober?” the answer for me was an absolute YES.

I love looking back at my day and thinking, “Dang, I was a fantastic Mom and Wife today!”

I want to be the best version of myself. Wouldn’t it be awful to meet the bad ass person you could have been? We only have one life. Let’s live, not merely exist.

I want to see the world, love deep, inspire strength, help other breast cancer survivors find their way back to themselves.

What is something you have been waiting to do? What is holding you back?

Be free to be you. The best version of you. Don’t dull your sparkle, don’t dull your light. I use to do that but now I’m understanding how bright I can shine. You can too!

Do you dare be so bold as to change or shoot for higher goals?

If you don’t change something, where will you be in a year?

What will happen when you succeed? Can you even imagine what your life would look like if you went for it?

Write the book.

Start that Bible study.

Try that sport.

Learn the instrument.

Jump out of that plane.

Climb that 14er

Run that Marathon

Take the trip

Read that huge book

Paint the mural

Write the poetry

I triple dog DARE you.

I will be your biggest cheerleader.

Just be free.

Love,

Tahnee