Author: Tahnee Wydra

This time of year is so much fun. People hold doors for each other, strangers say “Hello!” to each other, people are just a little bit more kind. It seems so magical. The other day we were in the grocery store and this cute little lady was singing along to a Christmas carol that was playing in the store. She saw me and stopped singing, so I picked up where she left off and we sang to each other together in the midst of the trash bag aisle. I mean come on, when else can you do that?

It can also be a stressful time, full of to-do lists and places to be, people to see, things to buy and wrap, lots to do. It can make anyone a little on edge.

Well, I think I have cracked the code for a less stressful Christmas season. It’s working for me, so I wanted to share it.

The other day I was driving down I-25 fighting the heavy traffic. All of a sudden, I looked at my husband and said , “I feel no stress, no hurry. Just peace.” It took me a few days of thinking about this feeling and holding onto it to figure out what was happening. Usually this time of year, I’m in a big rush and have about 20 lists of things to get done. I get tired and cranky, don’t get enough sleep, eat too much sugar and drink lots of wine.

Here is what I have been doing differently this season:

1. Waking up and talking to God and thanking Him before I even get out of bed.
2. Reading 5 Psalms each morning while drinking coffee.
3. Writing down 3 things I’m grateful for.
4. Working out.
5. Meditating and taking a nap for 1 hour of the afternoon (I work from home, so I can do this most days). Most people can’t do this, so I suggest taking a walk on your lunch break instead. It seems to have the same effect.
6. Do something nice for someone else every day. Random Acts of Kindness.
7. Talking to God through the day. About everything.
8. Saying no to some social engagements and knowing that’s okay.
9. At bedtime, praying and meditating.
10. Giving up sweets, candy and alcohol for many reasons. Mostly because sugar feeds cancer, and I definitely don’t want to experience this ever ever again. Did I say EVER??

This year is so different. Sometimes, I wish it wouldn’t have taken cancer to get me here. But that is part of my story and it is written exactly how it is supposed to be.

I FEEL SO GOOD. Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. So peaceful, thankful and actually enjoying the season. There are things that happen every single day that tempt me to stress out. But instead, I simply choose not to. I step back and think about why I’m feeling the urge to stress. Then I re-evaluate and redo my thinking, sometimes needing to talk it out, sometimes changing the goals of what I want to accomplish.

I hope you can integrate some of these habits into your days so you can pause, breathe, and enjoy.

My Docs ordered me a MUGA for tomorrow, where they put a tiny bit of a radioactive substance in my bloodstream and scan my heart. Then I have chemo on Friday. I seem to feel bad physically for about 2 weeks, then that last week is pure awesomeness. Every 3 weeks till FEBRUARY- then I will get my port out and be done with this. So close!!!

Enjoy your Holidays. My hope is that you feel this special season’s love, comfort and peace. Hold tight to that peace.

Happy Hanukah! Happy Winter Solstice! Happy Kwanzaa! And the reason I celebrate, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday Jesus!

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

 

I bet there has been a struggle in your life when you just think: Is this ever going to end?

I remember thinking this when Liv was a colicky baby. Night after night, day after day of wrapping her up like a burrito and bouncing on the yoga ball. Taking 24 hour shifts with my husband. Will it ever end?

Then there were my health issues that started in 2009. For some reason, my body decided it was going to be tired, in pain and not function properly. Doctor after doctor, and no one could figure it out. Then we tried holistic doctors and found my food allergies and that my pituitary gland was very low functioning. That was hard in the in between because we didn’t have a diagnosis to treat. Will it ever end?

When we were dealing with my health stuff, my husband lost his job because of the recession. That was scary. We had a 3-year-old, a mortgage and no job. Will it ever end?

These are just a few hard situations that stand out in my mind of mine and Jeremy’s life together. They all were resolved and even produced blessings, as most hardships do if you let them.

Liv is now 12 and super independent. I miss holding her.

My medical doctors said that I have fibromyalgia, an autoimmune disease that you just live with. I learned to manage the pain with diet and exercise. I was in the best health of my life when we received the cancer diagnosis last year.

As a result of Jeremy losing his job, we started our business, which is really God’s business because we had no clue what we were doing. We had $500 in the bank and by the grace of God and His guidance, we have made it successful. That in between time when we were living on unemployment were some of my favorite times as a family. We had no money, so we got to spend a lot of time together. We fought our way through it and it makes us thankful for what we have now.

It was so good for us to go through all of this.

These struggles were so very temporary. It is hard to see while you are in the thick of it, but nothing lasts forever. It does end. Jeremy and I are so fortunate because in the struggles, we fight them together. One verse from our wedding in 2004 was Phillippians 2:2  “Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” For some reason, we live that out most of the time, but especially during hardships.

I am SO ready to be done with this cancer stuff. Just till February, then I’m done with treatment! I’m ready for my immune system to come back up. I have been catching every virus I run into lately. One of the drugs they have me on, Perjeta, lowers my immunity. Tis the season! I have a new N95 mask that can be washed and have filters for, so that’s going to be worn through the rest of treatment. I might start a new trend.

This cancer battle will end, and I will be the winner. This too has been good for us to go through. It’s easy to see the negatives, but we choose to see the positives instead. We are still in the thick of it but getting towards the end. It’s hard to see clearly yet that YES, this will end. Especially as I sit here on my second round of antibiotics in 3 weeks and I just got my voice back. I had to miss one of my favorite races today. It’s been rough lately. This will end, because all struggles are temporary. Hills and Valleys. That’s life. Praise while standing on the mountaintop, worship while in the valley.

This has been one of my theme songs through this. Hope it encourages you!

Tauren Wells- Hills and Valleys

 

When a friend or family member receives the bad news that they have cancer, we as human people don’t know what to say. We just don’t. Let me help you.

I can only speak to Breast Cancer and my own experiences. I have the super power to shake things off easily, so I wasn’t super offended by any of these statements. If you said one of these things to me, don’t worry about it at all. I understand that it’s a difficult sitch for everyone. There is no manual for this. Here is what I have learned. Please keep in mind that I am not an emotional person at all. So if your loved one is like me, here is what you need to do in this situation to help them get through this.

I found myself consoling a lot of people and apologizing for my cancer. I hate making people feel bad and felt like I was disappointing everyone and ruining their day.

I totally get that people love me so much. I can’t help that I’m so popular.

I love the movie Mean Girls and if you haven’t seen it yet, stop what you’re doing and go watch it.

Welcome back. Now you will get my Mean Girls one liners.

Okay, so, if your friend or family member tells you that they have cancer, please be strong for them. Don’t make them be the strong one. Don’t cry in front of them. Save it for when you are by yourself. I know it’s hard to watch someone you love go through this. I have been on that side of this too. Basically, don’t make their cancer about you. Instead, give them words like:

“I’m here for you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“This totally sucks.”

Send them cards with encouraging words. I have saved every single card that has been sent to me through this. I will keep them forever. Send them flowers and care packages. Send them funny texts and emails.

Please don’t question their choices about the treatment they have chosen. Whether it is chemo, radiation or natural treatment. Their choice is the right one for them. When you question if their treatment is the right one or try to persuade them to try a different way of treatment, it sends us into a tailspin of if we made the right choice or not. It makes us question our trust in our Doctors who are trying to save our life. In the midst of being scared and anxious, we just need the assurance that our choices are the right ones. Because they are the right ones for us.

It seemed like everyone was telling me of someone they knew who had died of breast cancer. Before that, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I might die from this. There were stories few and far between of survivors, and I know there are A LOT of us out there. That’s what I needed to hear. That I was going to be okay. I totally get that people were trying to relate to what I was going through, but hearing that everyone had died from what I had was terrifying. So please, if you ever have a loved one going through this, tell them my story and assure them that they are going to be fine.

Go visit your loved one even if they say they aren’t up for company. Sure, there are times when people need to stay away if the patient is neutropenic and their immune system is seriously compromised (like mine was for a while). Some of my sweet friends would leave me treats and gifts on my front porch during this time. That lifted my spirits a lot. But if they can have visitors, GO. My favorite times during this were when I didn’t feel like company and my friends would come over and lift my spirits anyway. We would laugh till we cried and we would forget about cancer for a little while. Those girls were in the mud and dirt and the nitty gritty with me and I am eternally grateful for a Tribe like them. Please include your loved one in things so they know they are not forgotten. Don’t treat them like they have cancer. Unless you can get some free stuff or get to the front of the line or something, then by all means, pull the cancer card! But otherwise, treat them the same as you always have. Make them laugh a lot.

If you can go to treatments with your friend or family member, please do. This has meant so much to me as a patient because going to treatment with someone requires bravery, planning, and time. Bravery because you never know what’s really going to happen. Neither does the patient. Most treatments are a breeze, but sometimes there are complications. Visiting an Oncologist is scary. Seeing people in the treatment room suffering is hard. Planning time to juggle kids, a job and everything else is a lot of work. Everyone has a lot on their plates. To take the time to pause all of that to come spend time with me is a most humbling honor.

Let your loved one voice their fears and worries and complain about the pit they are in. Don’t try to make them look on the bright side all the time. Sometimes, you just need to know that it’s okay to not be okay.

These empty Christian phrases got on my last nerve:

“Give it to God.”

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”

“God is in control.”

“God allows everything for a purpose.”

Like I didn’t know God or something and He didn’t know me. Like Jesus isn’t my BFF. These phrases are not helpful. Let’s just not say these anymore to people who are suffering mmmmmk? Instead, let’s try:

Like Joshua, “Be strong and courageous.”

Like Esther, “Who knows if you were made queen for such a time as this?”

and like Jeremiah: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you a hope and a future.”

God’s words are always better than ours, aren’t they?

The only thing you are allowed to tell your loved one about their physical appearance is that they are beautiful. Especially when they are bald with no eyelashes or eyebrows. We know you’re lying, but it feels good to hear anyway.

You will be there with them, helping them claw and fight their way back to health in whatever capacity you can.

Remind them they are strong.

They can do this. So can you.

 

 

 

This is where my blog all started……………

Thank you so much for reading my new blog. I was on Caringbridge and Facebook, but decided to move all of my updates here. My hope is for you to read feeling a little less alone and a little more encouraged.

For those of you who don’t know or who need a recap, here you go! This is a long one, I promise the other entries will NOT be this long.

I was a tightly wound busy body. Like, busy all the time. Loved running, fitness, Jesus and spending time having fun with my family and friends. I ate super clean: gluten free, dairy free and corn free. Life was good. I have a super handsome and kind husband (Jeremy), a beautiful and smart daughter (Liv), 2 adorable happy go lucky male Yorkies (Jack and Buddy) and we own a successful plumbing business.

This is us at Strawberry Park Hot Springs in Steamboat Springs Aug 2017

Here is where it all started. My 2 friends and I (Regina and Sara) went to visit my Aunt Nanny and Uncle Cowboy in Colorado Springs and to run in the Take 5 Garden of the Gods race. It was such a beautiful place to run. Lots of hills. We were running like 6 minute miles- super fast for us. Around mile 3, I started to get a huge side ache, which is very unusual for me. It hurt so bad, I had to walk a lot of the race. Regina and Sara are the bestest and walked with me. I ended up getting my gallbladder out a couple of weeks later, in May of 2017. This is me, Sara and Regina after the race. Of COURSE I did a jumping pic with a gallbladder attack!

Fast forward to September 2017. I was babysitting our good friend’s baby, Elliot. She was really little so I held her all day. That night, I had a terrible side pain. So bad that I had to go to the ER. I knew I had a hematoma (an internal bruise) from the gallbladder surgery, so I figured holding the baby all day triggered something with that. The ER Doc ran a CT scan and it turned out that I had a softball sized tumor on one of my ovary’s. That was a Thursday.

The following Monday, I was able to get in with my OBGYN to talk about removing the tumor. She wasn’t planning on giving me a full exam since it was more of a pre op appointment, but for some reason she decided to. She found a lump on my left breast. It wasn’t super obvious, it was really high up near my collarbone.

That Friday, Jeremy and I went to get the lump mammogramed and biopsied. They told us it looked like early stage breast cancer. I remember standing there looking at the images and just hearing myself asking what we need to do next. Our daughter’s 11th birthday party was that night. We made it through the birthday party and Liv had a lot of  fun. I remember being kind of shell shocked and having a hard time being present. That Monday after the birthday party, I got the call that it was in fact breast cancer. It was September 18, 2017. I met with another surgeon and we decided to do a double mastectomy since it was a pretty big tumor and I had 3 other spots in my other breast. I really didn’t care about losing my breasts at that point. I just wanted the cancer out of me immediately.

I was scared but at peace. October 25, 2017, I had my breasts removed. We learned that the cancer had got into my lymph nodes, so all of the lymph nodes on my left side were also removed. They removed a few on the right side but thankfully, it didn’t spread on that side. They placed me at Stage 3 Breast Cancer. I had amazing people come and take care of me. My Step Mom, my Mother in Love, my Aunt Nanny and my Mom each came for a week. I had 3 drains and they took 5 weeks to drain. We named them Regina George, Gretchen Weiners and Karen Smith from the movie Mean Girls. Regina of course took the longest to drain. Jeremy took great care of me as well. He had to give me showers and wash my hair and everything at first. My first shower after the surgery was the first time I cried about all of this.  It was a rough recovery, but with my friends and family supporting me the whole time and holding me up in prayer, we made it through.

Then the AC Chemotherapy started. For me, at Stage 3, doing chemo was a no brainer. I just wanted all the cancer gone. I was pretty upset when they told me how many I was going to have to have. I cried for the second time about all of this. My first chemo session was the third time I cried. 16 sessions of chemo and 25 sessions of radiation all together starting in December 2017 and ending June 2018. I was pretty sick during chemo and got super burnt during radiation. I went from a scared girl to a baby chicken with no hair on my head, no eyebrows or lashes. The fourth time I cried was when I lost all of the hair on my head in the shower one morning. Jeremy and Liv shaved their heads with me in preparation of this. It was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. It’s just hair! But it was another thing cancer had taken away from me.  I had a lot of friends and family come with me to chemo. What a huge blessing it has been to get so much one on one time with some of my favorite people.

Now I’m slowly emerging to a strong warrior. A little smarter about what is truly important, a lot more thankful. Today, 1 year to the day after receiving my diagnosis, I had my post op for a full hysterectomy surgery I had on Aug 3. I was able to fiercely hug the OBGYN who found the lump and saved my life. I am forever thankful for her. I cannot believe what the human body can go through and stay alive. Not only stay alive, but come back and thrive. I am training for a half marathon I am doing with my sister Jessica in February. It’s so fun and I’m so thankful to be able to run again. I am back in Bible Study Fellowship and helping at Liv’s school now and then. I am able to work more for our business and Jeremy and I are enjoying date nights again. Slowly coming back to the real world with a fresh perspective. Things that I just checked off a list before cancer, I count as blessings. I get to pack Liv’s lunch. I get to do my family’s laundry. I get to stop and watch movies and cuddle with them. I have actually learned to rest. I shouldn’t be here, but for some reason, I am. Completely imperfectly beautifully unfinished. Aren’t we all?