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I have gone dark on here for a few weeks. That usually means I’m dealing with internal struggles. I haven’t felt okay sharing them until now.

I have had to go back on my anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. Big BOOOOO. But, at this time I am thankful for medicine that can help me feel calm and help me organize my thoughts.

Experts say that exercise, particularly cardio, defeats depression and anxiety. I have been and continue running and cardio-ing and lifting, so it was very confusing to me as to why I need meds. It’s not even that I am uncomfortable with the stigma behind mental illness. I have never cared much about what others think of me. What feels uncomfortable about it is that I feel not strong enough and sad that God is allowing this again.

My biggest concern was that I was not going to be able to feel God’s presence or hear from Him while being on these meds, since they have numbed me in the past.

I was worshipping at church the other day and I could not feel the Spirit. I began to cry, my biggest fear of being on this medicine was happening. God heard my cry and collected all of my tears. I began to pray, God please break through the medicine. Over and over again. God break through, God break through. I believe, I believe.

I have been reading the Gospels lately, and over and over again, I am seeing people of great faith. The woman who was healed by just touching Jesus’ clothes. The ruler who knelt before Jesus and told him his daughter just died and the ruler believed Jesus could bring her back to life. The men who were blind but Jesus touched them and they could see.

While we were worshipping, I suddenly felt something in me heal. God broke through the medicine and held me close. It almost knocked me off my feet. He put me at ease and reminded me that He Is God, Creator of the Universe, Healer. Most of all, God Is Love.

When was the last time God’s love gripped you so close, so all enveloping, that it knocked you off your feet?

God is bigger than medicine. He is bigger than sickness. He is bigger than any giants that we face. David defeated the giant Goliath with a slingshot. Seriously. Because he had faith. God prepared David for this by having him protect the sheep. When another animal came to attack the sheep, David would go after the sheep, strike the bigger animal and kill it. You never know what God is preparing you for.

Sometimes our prayers aren’t answered the way we think they should be. People die, people are sick for years, that relationship with a loved one may not be healed, you might not get that promotion or that job, you might not feel financially free.

It’s in the darkness where our faith is tested.

I want to encourage you to turn to God if you are in a dark place. Read your Bible, sing songs of worship, talk to the King of the Universe. There is no relationship more safe than this. He is complete, unconditional love and He is waiting for you.

This song by King and Country has helped me step into a new day, each day. You are here for today. Don’t look back.

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

For Jeremy.

Love is meeting him at age 21 and knowing it’s game over

It’s knowing nothing about hockey but going to watch him play every week

It’s cooking dinner for him

It’s him carrying me to bed

It’s bringing him coffee in bed in the mornings

It’s me not caring what my wedding dress looked like, just knowing that I wanted him to be mine

Love is having a beautiful baby girl

It’s holding that baby girl so carefully, taking baby steps, tears streaming down his face, to show her to our waiting family

It’s taking shifts bouncing a swaddled colicky baby

It’s leaky boobs, messy hair, baby puke, exhausting days and sleepless nights

It’s him taking care of and protecting his girls

Love is finding Jesus and being baptized together

Love is him getting laid off and having to collect unemployment while we have a daughter and a mortgage to take care of and not having money and playing games together and living a simple life and enjoying it anyway

Love is starting a business with $500 in the bank

Love is when I started getting sick and the doctors couldn’t figure out a diagnosis

It’s learning how to cook for me to eat gluten free, corn free and dairy free

It’s helping me get healthy again

It’s being my biggest fan during races

It’s him hating to run but running races with me anyway

Love is me quitting a job to work for his successful business. Our business.

It’s being a team in life

Love is being with me when they gave us the breast cancer diagnosis

Love is him documenting with beautiful photos what my body looked like before

Love is him staying with me until they took me back to surgery

Love is being able to look at him and not feel afraid when they told us it got into my lymph nodes

Love is him spending the night at the hospital with me after the double mastectomy

Love is making sure I was comfortable at home

Love is him giving me a shower, being careful of the drains and tubes that stuck out of my mangled body

Love is letting me cry and lose my shit the first time I saw the place where my breasts use to be

 Love is shaving my head for me and telling me I was going to rock it

Love is shaving his head too

Love is going to my first chemo appointment with me

Love is crying with me the day all the little hairs on my head fell out

Love is letting me fall asleep on him early in the evenings

Love is him making me feel beautiful bald, sick from chemo, with no breasts, eyelashes, or eyebrows

Love is fighting for our marriage

Love is supporting me through tough decisions about medicine and wellness

Love is celebrating that I can run and lift and be healthy

Love is having honest conversations that aren’t always fun

Love is letting me bounce ideas and dreams and random thoughts around

Love is turning those ideas, dreams and thoughts into reality

Love is him helping me find my way back to me

Love is making our dreams come true 

Love is realizing we can do anything together

Love is me spending the rest of my life making him feel as totally known and loved as he has loved me

Philippians 2:2 Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.

Sooooo, I started training for my third half marathon today. I always thought that I would want to do a full marathon one day, but I just don’t want to. I love to run and I don’t want to squash that love. It would be too much of a good thing, which I am so good at over doing. Examples: Too much exercise, too much alcohol, too much sugar, too much volunteering, too much of doing things for my family that they can easily do for themselves, working too much. It’s a form of self abuse, or self sabotage. I can be very extreme, which I think is part of what saved me and why God spared my life.

In preparing for training for this race, I went back through all of my pictures over the last 2 years or so. I found a lot of selfies on my runs. I am so thankful that I captured these moments, especially when I was going through chemo and radiation. Seeing myself going through cancer and still running was so inspiring. Cancer Tahnee inspired Healthy Tahnee.

There were times when I really thought I was dying, but I would go for a run. That’s determination. That’s my extreme side. I forced myself to still be a runner. I wasn’t going to let cancer take that away from me too.

I was really sick with a sinus infection over this past Christmas for over 20 days. We were visiting family in Minnesota. It totally sucks to be sick while traveling. The plane ride home was torture for my ears, I thought they were going to burst.

I’m definitely better, after 10 days of antibiotics.

Today was the first day I ran since before Christmas. I ran 3.3 miles in a little over 30 minutes, which is really good time for me. It felt so good to get back to it. I had still been doing cardio and light weight training, but hadn’t felt well enough to run. Haha, I could run on chemo but a sinus infection sidelined me for almost a month!

I’m really excited to train for this race. It’s the first time I have trained since being 158 days alcohol free. Everything is so much easier now. No hangovers, no sluggishness, no crazy sweat. Now it’s just an attitude of LETS DO THIS! Typically, I am stressed when I sign up for races. This time, I can see myself easily crossing that finish line.

I quit drinking to remain cancer free. Cancer had to happen, then the horrible reaction to the anti cancer drugs in order for me to choose a healthier life. Now I feel like my runs are much more efficient and my body just works better.

I’m taking Mindset Training and two things stuck with me this week that I have heard before, but it resonates now more than ever.

1. Who do I have to be to dream again? I have had big dreams since I was a little girl. It’s time to make them real.

2. Hell on Earth is meeting the person you could have been. I definitely don’t want to have any regrets.

I am a runner, so I run. That one is easy. The rest of me is finding my truth of who I was designed to be. I can be whoever I want to be. Determination will get me there. I was made for this. Now is the time. No more second guessing. I’m an awesome Mom and Wife. I’m a great business owner. I’m a writer. I’m an artist. I’m an encourager. I can speak truth. I can see the silver lining in almost anything. I see the good in people.

I don’t say these things to sound braggy (is that a word? I just made it a word). I say these things because I am celebrating who I am. You can be whoever you want to be. It’s never too late. Now is the time. Right now. You are here for a reason. God picks people with problems, who have fought battles. He will always use you if you let Him.

Run your race.

I will be there cheering for you as you cross your finish line, whatever that might look like for you.

I felt like I was going to die this day but I ran anyway, naturally. 

Look at all that hair growing back!

This precious girl prayed for me while I was sick. We got to meet at a race and she saw that God answers prayers.

Here is a video of me running and encouraging myself:

 

I love looking back and seeing how far I have come.

 

Our thoughts are so powerful. We become what we think about most of the time. I could have easily given up and crawled into a ball and stayed there.

I’m a runner, so I run. That’s just a small part of me, but it is me.

Who do you want to be? You get to choose.

Love,

Tahnee XO

 

Australia is on fire.

Iran attacked American troop housing in Iraq.

Politics have divided our country.

In my little house, I am battling a sinus infection and our dog Jack is hurt so he is on pain meds. We are taking it easy together.

I was at lunch the other day, and someone said, “He is a great man of God, but he worries about everything.”

That got me thinking.

Can Faith and Fear co exist?

I like to be in the positive realm of life. I’m an optimist, a glass half full kinda girl.

When people ask me, “Aren’t you afraid of this?” or “Aren’t you afraid of that?” I often honestly respond with, “That thought has never entered my mind.”

Life is uncertain. Always.

But you know what?

I am not in charge of any of this.

God is.

He reigns on His throne.

He will put out the fires in Australia.

He will be with the broken hearted in Iraq and throughout the world.

Our one true God loves all of us, no matter which political party we belong to.

He will heal little ol’ me and my dog. Because we matter to God.

There really doesn’t need to be any worry as long as we remember who is in charge of all of this. I’m sure glad it’s not me.

Faith and Fear cannot co exist. It is one or the other.

In these fearful times, I challenge you to live a life of faith. Be the light this world so desperately needs.

Love just a little bit more.

Love,

Tahnee XO

 

 

 

 

These past couple of years have been full of transformation.

2019 was awesome, full of hope and new beginnings.

The beginning of our life without cancer treatments.

The beginning of our business taking on bigger jobs.

The beginning of writing my book.

Our teenager being on fire for Jesus and being excited to go to church. (WHAAAAT?!!!!)

The hope that I am taking good care of myself to give my body a fighting chance at not getting a re occourance of cancer, without taking the awful (for me) anti cancer meds.

Choosing to be alcohol free.

Learning self love for my mind body and soul. True fierce self love.

Of course, there were sad and awful times too. This is life.

Digging out of depression.

Loving our teenager through her teens.

Fighting for our marriage.

The loss of family members.

As we have more life under our belts, I am seeing the good with the bad. As I have said before, when going through the nitty gritty of the cancer, I could not let myself feel the awful, as I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to pull myself out of it.

This led to people telling me I was being fake, not genuine. That hurt. I was putting what I could of my soul out for the world.

Everyone deals with literally every situation differently. I sure did the best I could and I know I beat the hell out of cancer sooooo fucking well.

I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Last year, I beat cancer, I ran a half marathon in Disney World, I jumped out of a plane, I got an editor and a publisher and I started my book.

I can feel another shift coming. I am feeling more determined than ever. My mind is curious and eager to learn and open to any and all possibilities. Now I just need to pick where I want to focus my energy.

As we start the year, we are at the edge of something very cool. Anything can happen.

Who do you want to be at the beginning of NEXT year? Who would you like to be in January 2021? Would you like to continue progressing and growing into your next great season? Or, are you in a tough spot where you are just trying to get through to the next day? Friends, I completely understand both all too well.

Wherever you are at, please keep fighting. There is more. Like me, you get to choose where you want to focus for your self growth. Learn a new language, pick up an instrument, start a Bible study, take time for art and reading and date nights (with yourself, friends, or your partner). Take time for dancing and love. Especially take that time to love yourself. Fill up your bucket first or you will have nothing to pour out for others. It’s not being selfish. It’s being smart.

If you are wondering, what does that look like day to day? I have no time! I realized I was constantly telling myself this recently. I did some work to shift that mindset and now I think, “Wow, I have so much time! I have all the time in the world. I have an over abundance of time!” This has helped tremendously.

Just do one thing for yourself everyday. Start with one. Get a work out in, go for a hike, go skiing! Paint, draw, write, read! Pet dogs, hold babies! There are so many things. Find yours.

If you want to, please let me know what you decide to do for YOU. Treat yourself. Expand your mind. I would LOVE to hear what you are doing!

For me, I’m going to keep working out, reading, writing, AND I am learning Italian!

THEN, let me know how it fills you up and you feel so full you burst and pour your love and light out onto others.

Let’s do this.

Here is a song I recently added to my playlist. It’s super fun. Hope you enjoy it too!

Brand New

 

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

 

Staying sober, or as I have been calling it, Being Alcohol Free, is much harder for me this time around.

I didn’t realize how much I had been dulling my emotions with it after cancer.

During cancer, especially during the intense chemo, I couldn’t drink. But when my body started feeling less like I was dying, and chemo was more spaced out, I began drinking again.

Now, we all pretty much know I’m an all or nothing person. I am very extreme. I don’t do anything half way.

Years ago, Jeremy and I quit drinking because we were drinking way too much. We were sober for 3ish years. During that time, we did Celebrate Recovery and 12-step programs.

I thought I could start drinking again because God had healed all of my emotional scars that led me to a life of addiction drinking.

It started off okay, but before long, I was drinking too much again. Not in the mornings and not even every night. But every time I drank, I would get wasted. I could never just have one.

Then came the cancer, the PTSD from that and the drinking. Back to square one.

I have been doing research and have found that drinking and breast cancer are linked. I really really really don’t want to get cancer again. I do think that is part of the reason I got cancer in the first place.

I have been Alcohol Free for 117 days today.

When life gets stressful, I still want a glass of wine. When my emotions bubble up, I want to shut them down.

Here is the weird part though. Whenever I actually smell alcohol, it makes me want to “toss my cookies.” It actually turns my tummy.

I know I will never have another alcoholic drink again, ever.

It’s not in line with the person I want to be.

My mind is clearer than ever. I have lost weight. I never have a hangover. I am present. I can feel my feelings (still struggling with that one to be a good thing but I know it is). I can remember things. I can figure out anything. I am productive. I’m unstoppable now more than ever before.

I wanted to hide this. I hid in shame for 117 days.

But God tells us to delight in our weaknesses. For when we are weak, then we are strong. His power is made perfect in our weakness.

I don’t think of my self “In Recovery” or an “Alcoholic”. I don’t want to label myself with those titles.

I’m just me being me. Working towards the best version of me.

I really don’t care if you drink around me. No judgement. That’s your choice, not mine. It doesn’t bother me a bit. You do you, boo.

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

 

 

It’s December, the Christmas Season for the majority of people.

Gifts to be bought, wrapped, and sent. Cards to address and send out. Homes to be decorated. Movies to be watched. Christmas parties to attend.

For most of us, it turns into this crazy busy season that bring stress, extra pounds (all of those extra sweets! Ahhhhh!) and a general sense of anxiety.

My cousin, Alicia, hosted a live blog last month. She’s an amazing woman of God and an Author. She is also a Wife, Mom, Teacher, and probably a hundred other things. In short, she is awesome and I highly respect her. So, on her live blog last month, she shared something that has really stuck with me. She teaches English to Chinese students in China, via the web. The students were learning about different holidays around the world. Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Christmas, etc. When they got to the Christmas unit, they learned that we decorate our houses with lights and trees, we have dinner with our families and give gifts. When they got to the Ramadan unit, they learned that they devote the ENTIRE month to prayer, fasting and community.  They want to know more about God. They dedicate their whole month to a heightened awareness of knowing God.

Wow.

That hit me hard. The reason my family and I celebrate Christmas is to celebrate God sending His son, Jesus into the world to save it, real life super hero style. I want my Christmas to look more like Ramadan, devoting the entire month to the actual reason I celebrate.

We decided on less material, more experience and Jesus centered. We hardly put up any decorations. Rudolph got left in the Christmas tub along with Frosty and Santa. We took out all of our things that symbolize Jesus instead so that He can take center stage.

I gave myself a personal gift of doing random acts of kindness every day this month. You all know how very much I love those! To bring Heaven to Earth, to shine my savior everywhere I go.

Now, it’s the 5th day of December and I have only lost my peace a couple of times.

I keep telling myself: “I have so much time!” in order to keep my cool.

I’m rewiring my brain and changing how I talk to myself.

Instead of: I have too much work to do, I’m never going to get it all done! (crying in a corner and freaking out)

I’m trying: Wow, we are so blessed with so much work, thank you Jesus! I’m going to schedule better to make sure I have Bible study in the morning and my physical activity (both of these are a must. It’s like my happy medicine) and family time at the end of the day. Work on the business work during business hours and I need to remember to take breaks.

PS I hate schedules and structure but it is needed in this season of life. Whoops. I mean, I’m going to schedule my day to the hour to make sure I get to do everything I want to do and I want to make sure everything gets done.

Sigh, this is going to take more practice.

The buying and wrapping of the gifts and getting things sent out in time can get a little stressful too. I’m calling this:

Project Christmas.

That way, I can schedule it into my day but I don’t have to get it all done at once. It’s a project! Fun! I love giving and wrapping gifts and that love feeling needs to stay, especially during Christmas.

We are doing some service projects as a family to shine more love into dark places in our community. This was Liv’s idea and I couldn’t be more proud of her.

I am truly looking forward to the rest of this month. Although very busy, I am here. I am alive. Let my life be a beautiful symphony of praise to my Maker.

We have so much time if we schedule it and don’t waste it to make a difference, yet life is so short.

Use all of the time we have here to actually DO SOMETHING.

What are you waiting for?

Love,

Tahnee XO

Healing. Healing is hard work. This world can really beat someone up. This world can also look so amazing after the darkness clears.

I was sitting at church the other day and the tears would not stop. God has given me a second chance at life and I’m just now grasping how incredible that is. Feelings lately have been big. I’m happy to have them again. Welcome, feelings. Where have you been hiding? In the land of survival, that’s where.

When I am plugged in to Jesus, I can hear him clear as day. I know God speaks to people through visions, dreams, a pressing on the heart. Our conversations lately have been all about possibilities.

It’s time to start writing my book.

In preparation for this, I went back through my Caringbridge posts for research. I had forgotten some of the things that had happened. I had forgotten how scared I was. I forgot how strong I would have to be. I could only read from September 2017 to November 2017. I was in tears. It all seems like a bad nightmare now. But I have the scars, emotional and physical, to remind me that it was all very real.

I am so beyond grateful to still be here. That was not true a few months ago but it IS now. I want to live the hell out of this second chance at life. Every morning brings new possibilities. I want to learn, to grow, to love. To be Little But Fierce as Fu**. My goals are huge. And I know they will come to fruition.

I want to challenge you to wake up each morning with excitement in your soul. Be strong, be fierce, be love.

Psalm 91: 13-16: You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

Here is something only my very inner circle knows. Jeremy and I quit drinking 71 days ago. I quit because I was drinking way too much after cancer to dull my emotional turmoil. Also, because I fought so hard to stay alive so why sabotage my health with alcohol? Jeremy quit for his own reasons, he can tell you about it. It’s his story to tell, not mine.

I feel so free and clear headed. My body is loving it. I am trying new things with all of these extra hours. My mind is hungry for information and learning. I’m doing martial arts stick fighting now at this Karate dojo here in Loveland. It’s real life dance fighting. Where has this been all my life? I am getting tons of sleep and waking up super refreshed.

I have been reading sobriety books and following sobriety blogs.

Funny thing when you stop numbing your feelings. They come through loud and clear. I have a counselor who has been helping me through.

I have been doing the Mind Body Revolution which has been rewiring my mind to self love. I have been working out differently and eating better to help my body. It came into my life at just the right time. It pulled me out of the worst depression I have ever had.

My spiritual growth is getting deeper and more meaningful.

I am learning so much about alcohol and how addictive it is and how unhealthy it is. All of our marriage problems have always centered around alcohol. So, it’s pretty simple. We want to stay married, so alcohol is a non negotiable. We both deserve better than what we had been giving each other. I had to ask myself, “Would life be better if I was sober?” the answer for me was an absolute YES.

I love looking back at my day and thinking, “Dang, I was a fantastic Mom and Wife today!”

I want to be the best version of myself. Wouldn’t it be awful to meet the bad ass person you could have been? We only have one life. Let’s live, not merely exist.

I want to see the world, love deep, inspire strength, help other breast cancer survivors find their way back to themselves.

What is something you have been waiting to do? What is holding you back?

Be free to be you. The best version of you. Don’t dull your sparkle, don’t dull your light. I use to do that but now I’m understanding how bright I can shine. You can too!

Do you dare be so bold as to change or shoot for higher goals?

If you don’t change something, where will you be in a year?

What will happen when you succeed? Can you even imagine what your life would look like if you went for it?

Write the book.

Start that Bible study.

Try that sport.

Learn the instrument.

Jump out of that plane.

Climb that 14er

Run that Marathon

Take the trip

Read that huge book

Paint the mural

Write the poetry

I triple dog DARE you.

I will be your biggest cheerleader.

Just be free.

Love,

Tahnee

 

 

 

Hi!

Here is the video. Not sure if it came through on the original email.

Skydiving Video

XOXO

Tahnee