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Skydiving was the perfect celebration for me to mark that I have my spark for life back.

What have you been putting off? What is on your bucket list?

It’s never too early to start one. And to start checking it off. Our life is here to live, not merely exist.

You never know how long you have on this earth, that’s the truth.

I am so thankful I had the chance to live like I was dying, like the Tim McGraw song says. Some of the power lines from this song that stick with me are:

I went skydiving

I went Rocky Mountain climbing

Be a friend a friend would like to have.

Love deeper, speak sweeter, offer forgiveness I’d been denying.

Someday I hope you get the chance to live

Live like you were dying.

Here is the whole song if you would like to listen to it:

Live Like You Were Dying

Here is my entire skydiving video if you would like to see it. It’s pretty amazing and I highly suggest GoJump Denver in Ft Morgan, CO. Dooooo ittttttttt!!!!!

Share with me what is on your bucket list. What is something you have always wanted to do? What steps can you take to make it a reality?

Skydiving Video

XO Tahnee

 

Hiiii!!!

Sorry if you have already seen this. I posted it on Facebook and for some reason it wouldn’t post here until today.

I really want it to reach as many people as possible who might need help, like myself.

Please watch this video if you feel led.

After cancer care is something I was missing. My Doctors did their jobs and saved my life. Whoo Hoo!!! But there was nothing that resonated with me that could help me personally mind body and soul afterwards. I was so depressed and didn’t want to go on.

If it’s you or if you know someone either in treatment or after treatment who is struggling with “I can’t do this anymore” or  “What’s next?” or “Who am I now after cancer?” please send them my way.

It’s great for anyone really if you are feeling stuck and need a restart.

It can be done from anywhere in the world.

Feel free to connect with me through Facebook private messenger or my email is tahneewydra213@gmail.com

XO

Tahnee 🙂

 

 

 

 

October is breast cancer awareness month. It’s a great reminder to check your breasts for any lumps or bumps, but really you should be doing that every week at the least. Don’t forget to check below your collar bones too on the top of your breast and your underarms. That’s where mine was hiding.

This is a hard month. Really wish it was just one day. I don’t need to be reminded everywhere by all the pink ribbons while trying to move past it.

THIS is breast cancer. THESE are the scars.

I still stand by my choice to not have reconstruction. I will not put anything foreign in my body just for the sake of looking a certain way. No judgements at all to you if you have had breast surgery; that is a personal decision and I applaud you for being you. It’s just not who I am.

I am so thankful to have lived through this. I am reminded each day with a glance in the mirror that I am not who I once was.

Stronger than one ever thought I could be

Gratitude abounds in me

Touching these unwanted marks it still seems unreal

For a person not only to endure

To come out on the other side

Unstoppable. Fearless. Unbreakable.

To withstand the storm

I choose to praise

The one who made me

He gave me strength

To knock the enemy down

To defeat the darkness

To come back shining in the likeness of the Son, who God sees when He looks at me

Who I strive be some kind of resemblance of but fail every day

The Son endured it all to erase our failures

He brought Heaven down so He wouldn’t lose us forever

He heard our prayers

He saw our tears

And He answered.

 

 

Today I was putting away my wall of cards that I received since September 2017. There are over 100 of them. I found a pretty box to put everything in and took everything down. I put my wig away that hardly got worn because it made me too hot. I got rid of the last of the prescriptions I was for some reason keeping on hand for nausea and pain. I’m still just on the Anastrozole and Citalopram. It was very therapeutic to put everything away. We are really done with this. I made it. Our bedroom looks so empty now.

You guys…..what is wrong with me? I should be so ecstatic to be mosty done with all of this hell and not depressed or anxious. I don’t know what to do next. I want to erase all evidence that this ever happened but it’s etched on my skin and in my soul. I don’t know how to move forward.

I can’t go back to the me before cancer because that girl was naive, practically a child. She didn’t know how strong she would have to be. Now when I see my smile and my eyes, they look a little wiser and a little sad, almost haunted and always tired. My body and mind are not as strong as they were. I’ve used up my yearly supply of strength. Because of the medicines I am on, I get physically weak when my body is working too hard. Then I get mad and work harder and it’s a dumb cycle because it makes me even weaker.

Peace still abounds in my heart. Maybe I’m thinking too much. All these thoughts rock around in my mind. Jesus told us we would have troubles but we will have peace in Him and to take heart, because He has overcome the world. – John 16:33.

I am thankful I am here to be with my sweet family and see Liv turn 13 on September 13th.

 

3 weeks later………

Life has not been great lately. A lot of dumb things. But I still have peace in my heart and I know I am doing what God has asked of me.

I am happy to say I am not going to be taking my anti cancer meds anymore (the Anastrozole) and I am going to manage it with nutrition. My Dr. fully supports this. Those meds were too hard on my mind. I literally didn’t want to be here anymore. The meds are no guarantee that the cancer will not come back. My quality of life is too important to me. The mood shifts, depression, anxiety, weight gain, bone pain….it’s just not worth it to me. I want to LIVE each day I am given, not just get through it. I am also meeting with a counselor twice a day and she is helping immensely. I feel like a new chapter has been opened. I’m ready to live life to it’s very fullest. I’m ready to be whoever I am meant to be now.

Whatever we go through, God can use. All of our brokenness, all of our pain. If we choose to, we can show who HE is through it and in turn, we can uncover more and more of who HE is and show it to this broken world that desperately needs a savior.

It’s incredibly hard when you are in that dark place. Trust me, I know. Surround yourself with friends and family who you can be your shattered self with. I know I wouldn’t have made it through without my core group of girlfriends. Be with the people who cheer you on, not bring you down. The ones who straighten your crown and not tell others it was crooked. The ones who make you laugh so hard you cry.

I am truly thankful for my scars. All 11 of them on my torso. More than I can count on my soul. Can you see the beauty in yours? We all have them. You are not alone.

Scars- I AM THEY

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Hello! So sorry it’s been a minute since I have posted anything. As you can tell from this title,  I have been having weird mental blocks lately. Can’t seem to break through some of them.

For example, at yoga I couldn’t pull myself up onto the aerial silks. Had no problem doing it before. I had to use a step stool to get into them. Maybe I was tired, my wrist was tweaked from a work out the day before. Usually I can push through any pain. A few  days later, my friend asked if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I completely froze and freaked out. He’s so tiny. What if he breaks? I can’t do it! So silly right? I broke through that craziness and held sweet little Bennett and he fell asleep. During the Colfax Marathon, my calf snapped at mile 1. I freaking let myself slow down and was super slow. My runs absolutely suck lately as far as pace goes. Running is uncomfortable. I trained myself to be super uncomfortable by running after chemo treatments. Is it physical pain that I can’t push through anymore?

I remember sitting at a stoplight last year thinking, “Will there be a day when my strength to suppress pain runs out?” I envisioned a long cliff with an end to it. I may have reached the end of my pain tolerance cliff. Maybe I’m just tired of being strong.

I have been suppressing so much for so long that it is coming out in small panic attacks and the inablilty to push forward in some circumstances.

But I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. As a reminder of this, I put a little 4:13 under my new tattoo that says, Actually, I can. Because I can. Not through my strength, but through His.

Meghan took Sara and I to Newport Beach, CA for Beach Week 2019. We just made that up because we were in Hawaii together the same dates last year. It’s a thing now. These girls supported so hard that their breast cancer support bracelets broke a couple of times and they had to get new ones. It was time to get rid of them for good, so we ceremoniously burned them. Here is the video:

We were also so blessed to get to see Meghan’s gorgeous friends from college and my Auntie Denise and Uncle Chris, and our forever family friend Donna.

Liv and I also went to see one of my sisters, Kristen, to help her get everything ready for the arrival of her baby boy! She lives in Washington in a beautiful area. Kristen and I put together a bunch of baby stuff because we don’t need no man to do that for us.Her hubby is in the Army in Georgia, but will be home in time for the baby’s birth. We had a ton of fun. Liv and I love to leave trips in a dramatic fashion. One time, Jer, Kristen, Liv an I literally running through the streets of NYC the night before Thanksgiving to catch our train. We got on the train and the doors closed seconds later. It was a great exit! This time, we went sailing on our way to the airport. It was so peaceful and we saw some seals, jellyfish and schools and schools of fish.

 

Oh, we also ran the Boulder Boulder on Memorial Day! It was so special because it was my first race since cancer that I did with my faithful race buddies Sara and Meghan. It was almost an emotional finish, but I still can’t cry and run at the same time. I am so grateful to be doing the things I love again. My Jeremy was there of course, my constant support and biggest fan.

So, in spite of everything mentally and physically blocking me, I am choosing joy and strength. I actually cried the other day. My Dad, Liv and I watched I Can Only Imagine. It’s about the band Mercy Me. Watch it! I cried for hours though and I can’t seem to stop. Everything is making me cry. It’s a good thing though. Glad I’m not an actual robot anymore.

Remember that everything is temporary. Enjoy every second.

I Can Only Imagine

Love,

Tahnee

 

Borrowed words from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. In this opening scene of Act 3, Hamlet is contemplating death and suicide. My breasts were trying to kill me, so now they are dead  and I am very much alive.

I had not wanted to do reconstruction (a boob job if you’re lost here) right away. Some women have reconstruction during the same surgery as the double mastectomy (removal of the breasts). I felt like I wanted to heal from the surgeries and get through all the chemo and radiation  before reconstruction. Delayed reconstruction is what they call it.

I contemplated it for about 20 months. Here is what I came up with.

1. My body has been through enough.
2. I don’t want anymore down time because of a surgery ever again.
3. I can’t even eat cheese or gluten without an allergic reaction so putting something foreign in my chest doesn’t make sense to me.
4. My hubby is super awesome and doesn’t care either way. He leans more on the side of “you have been through enough.”
5. Most importantly, I talked to God about it. Of course, after months of trying to figure it out myself I finally remembered to ask my Creator. He distinctly told me “You don’t need it.” I made the decision right then that I was not going to have reconstruction at all and a huge wave of peace washed over me.

It’s not the decision for everyone. It is a very personal choice. It is the right decision for me.

There are challenges and a huge learning curve with clothing and swimsuits. I’m learning to love the bralette (The Buckle has really cute ones) and high neck flowy shirts. Swimsuits are pretty challenging but I’m getting the hang of it. Sports bras work well for bikini tops because you can find them without padding.

Running is a lot easier. I’m planning on covering my scars with feather tattoos. I will never forget what we have gone through. It has changed us in many ways forever.

The reason I want to share this is because it’s not very common. I want other women to know that it’s okay to not do reconstruction. You are still you, no matter what your bra size is. No matter what your body size is, whether you are a size 00 or 100, you are still you. Fill your mind with knowledge, fill your heart with love and empathy, fill your soul  with love for you. Find what you love to do and go for it and be an impact for this world as only you can. Uniquely created, knit together in your mother’s womb, crazy beautiful amazing you.

This song by Johnny Diaz has always inspired me to be me. Hope you enjoy this live version.

More Beautiful You

Much Love,

Tahnee

 

 

I hope everyone has the chance to feel the kind of love I have felt over the last week. It’s been surreal. Family and Friends (or Framily- friends that are family) like the ones in our life are hard to come by. They show up. Every. Single. Time.

We had a fun dance party to celebrate life and the end of cancer. My sister Kristen came from Washington, my Mom from Minnesota flew out, and we had family and friends from all over Colorado come to par-tay with us. We really wanted to have a party to thank our close knit supporters who were on the front lines with us during this fight. It was so magical and a night we will never forget.

My Dad and Aunt Kiki are also cancer free now too, so it was so special that we all got to celebrate life together.

Our friends Tiffany, Meghan, Sara and Regina made an epic video for the party and surprised me with their amazing singing, songwriting and guitar hero skills. Tiffany and Sara rocked it out live as the video was playing. In costumes, naturally.  I was so confused at first. What are they wearing? Am I getting a lap dance? Who is singing? I almost cried, but they were too funny, so I was saved.

Here is a link to the video they made:

Cancer Free Celebration Video

Pretty cool, right?!

There are many many pics from the party but I took zero of them. I’m more of an in the moment girl. As the great philosopher Steven Tyler of Aerosmith says, I don’t wanna miss a thing.

We Fitness Marshall-ed our booties off, sweating ourselves sexy.

It went by so quickly and it was so much fun.

We also had my sister Kristen’s baby shower the next day. I hope she felt super loved and supported. We packed up an extra suitcase to send her home to Washington with all of her gifts.

It was a great weekend and we are so thankful for everyone who showed up, and keeps showing up for us every day. I hope we can be that kind of support to everyone who needs us.

This is why I love random acts of kindness. During chemo, I asked everyone to do a random act of kindness on my chemo days. We might never know how far out that ripple reached. It warms my heart so much that in the midst of the hard treatments, love and light was being sprinkled around.

I am so thankful for a new beginning. I feel like we got a second chance at this thing we call life. I want to live it doing allll of the things and loving alll of my people. I want to reach my goals professionally, in fitness, and in life in general. Let’s be the people God designed us to be.  Let’s wake up with expectation every day to rock it. We’ve totally got this!

Love,

Tahnee XO

 

 

 

 

Wow! It has been an eventful few weeks.

We celebrated my LAST CHEMO!!!!

We went to the beach and Disneyworld!!!!

I got my port out!!!!

It has been such a fun, happy time.

Disneyworld was amazing. My sister Jessica had signed up last year to run the Princess Half Marathon and I decided to join her. I truly believe training for that race is what kept my body and mind strong. It was always hard to train since my long runs were on Saturdays, and some of those Saturdays were right after chemo. I trained myself to feel like shit and keep going anyway. So, the race itself was sooooo magical. Even at the race, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to finish it because I had injured a muscle in my calf the week before. My sister bought a super cute Finisher jacket before the race and I didn’t want to jinx myself by buying one. It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. It was really really fun and Disney has ruined any other race for me! They do such an amazing job. It’s a memory I will have forever.

 

Liv and I had a Magic Kingdom day together and we stayed the entire day. It was so special to get to have fun and spend time with my girl. She’s at the perfect age to Disney finally. We want to make everyday a Magic Kingdom day!

Jer Liv and I also went to Clearwater to see our amazing friend Angela for a beach day. She gave us the rock star treatment. Jer and Liv had never been there before, so it was fun to see them soak it all in.

We stayed on property at Port Orleans Riverside, which we had never done before. It was so easy. Our friend Krista planned the whole thing for us. That’s the way to do it!

It was great having the little nieces and nephews with us. Disney is so magical anyway, but those littles really made it fun.

We were so sad to leave.

I have my scans for my heart and a PET scan scheduled for next week so we will know that the treatment worked and that I am cancer free.

I STILL have not cried. I feel so numb. Been trying to make myself cry and that in itself has been hilarious. Maybe one day I will let it all out. Maybe not. God did not create me to be an emotional person, so I will probs not cry. I am just so freaking happy to be done with this chapter.

Cannot believe all that we went through. It’s true, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. We can face life without fear. We can seize the day. We can do all of the things we can physically do because we can. We don’t waste a day.

Remember that Tim McGraw song, Live Like You Were Dying? I’m definitely going skydiving and doing some Rocky Mountain climbing this year. A few 14ers are on my list. I will love deeper and speak sweeter. None of us are getting out of here alive, so we may as well live the best life we can.

Cancer gave me the opportunity to really look at what is important to me. I can live the heck out of each day I am given. I can sprinkle love and happiness everywhere I go. What kind of legacy do you want to leave?

 

Love, Tahnee

Love Is.

For Jeremy.

Love is meeting him at age 21 and knowing it’s game over

It’s knowing nothing about hockey but going to watch him play every week

It’s cooking dinner for him

It’s him carrying me to bed

It’s bringing him coffee in bed in the mornings

It’s me not caring what my wedding dress looked like, just knowing that I wanted him to be mine

 

Love is having a beautiful baby girl

It’s holding that baby girl so carefully, taking baby steps, tears streaming down his face, to show her to our waiting family

It’s taking shifts bouncing a swaddled colicky baby

It’s leaky boobs, messy hair, baby puke, exhausting days and sleepless nights

It’s him taking care of and protecting his girls

 

Love is finding Jesus and being baptized together

 

Love is him getting laid off and having to collect unemployment while we have a daughter and a mortgage to take care of and not having money and playing games together and living a simple life and enjoying it anyway

 

Love is starting a business with $500 in the bank

 

Love is when I started getting sick and the doctors couldn’t figure out a diagnosis

It’s learning how to cook for me to eat gluten free, corn free and dairy free

It’s helping me get healthy again

It’s being my biggest fan during races

It’s him hating to run but running races with me anyway

 

Love is me quitting a job to work for his successful business. Our business.

It’s being a team in life

 

Love is being with me when they gave us the breast cancer diagnosis

Love is him documenting with beautiful photos what my body looked like before

Love is him staying with me until they took me back to surgery

Love is being able to look at him and not feel afraid when they told us it got into my lymph nodes

Love is him spending the night at the hospital with me after the double mastectomy

Love is making sure I was comfortable at home

Love is him giving me a shower, being careful of the drains and tubes that stuck out of my mangled body

Love is letting me cry and lose my shit the first time I saw the place where my breasts use to be

 

Love is shaving my head for me and telling me I was going to rock it

Love is shaving his head too

Love is going to my first chemo appointment with me

Love is crying with me the day all the little hairs on my head fell out

Love is letting me fall asleep on him early in the evenings

Love is him making me feel beautiful bald, sick from chemo, with no breasts, eyelashes, or eyebrows

Love is him helping me find my way back to me

Love is me spending the rest of my life making him feel as totally known and loved as he has loved me

   

I have always taken life 3 months at at time. I can do anything for 3 months. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall are each 3 months. I have been doing this cancer thing for 6 seasons now. I’m getting pretty tired. Sometimes it’s hard to find my happy. It’s hard to be positive all the time. I have been doing a lot of self care and things to make myself feel better. Also finding lights through the day. Like, when I get together with my neighbor for coffee and I get to see her adorable little boys. Or when I meet my friends. Or making my body run or lift weights. Or taking time to read and meditate.

I have not been forgotten. My people have stuck with me through all of this for some crazy reason and I am incredibly grateful. They could have easily chosen to step out of my life and not have dealt with this. I seriously cannot thank God enough for my people.

I only have 1 more treatment left!!!!! Jeremy and I broke this adventure down to numbers.

2 Surgeries. 30 Chemo treatments. 25 Radiation sessions. 2 of my birthdays. 1 tired woman. 3 lives in survival mode for a year and a half.

When Mommy is broken, Jeremy and Liv are strong for me.

Liv told me last night that she wants to be just like me when she grows up. I told her she will be much better than me.

One more surgery to go. Then we are DONE. I have decided to do reconstruction after all. We just need to get the okay from my radiation doctor, who I am seeing in a couple of weeks.

My sweet friend sent me this song today. It talks about all the support that a cancer diagnosis needs. I cannot imagine what we would have done without all the love and support we have received. Thank you all for loving me so well through this.

I’m Gonna Love You Through It

XOXO

Tahnee