Author: Tahnee

Wow, just wow. I was just in the heavy hot holy presence of God this evening. Undoubtedly one of my top 10 most amazing experiences ever. Last time we anointed the youth in 2019 is also on my top 10.

Anointing with oil is to set someone apart for divine purposes. Our youth group kids are pretty incredible. They are all teenagers with a thirst for God, or searching for something bigger than themselves. To see them prophesy over each other and pray for each other is always other worldly.

Wednesday nights are the highlight of my week. I’m usually so pumped after youth group that I can’t go to sleep. Tonight, sleep will be nearly impossible. I want to somehow bottle what happened tonight. It is dizzying to think about.

I love how amazing God is. I know I’m right where He wants me at this point in life. It’s so interesting to me how my life has been orchestrated so perfectly. Well, a perfect mess actually.

After all of the things that have happened to me in the almost 40 years of life, I’m still here and I am still praising God. Everything has truly made me who I am today, the good and the bad. God loves all of me. He loves all of you too. The good and the bad.

If He can love me, a selfish recovering alcoholic who treated her body like a trash can, He can love anybody. Even you. Yes, you.

If you want your life to change for the better or for it to be more enriched, for it to mean something, talk to my friend Jesus. He is literally waiting to hear from you. He is the bestest friend I have ever made.

If you have been hurt by the Church or by Christians, I am so so so sorry. I am sorry for the hurt caused in Jesus’ name. That is so hard. There are actually people who love you, exactly how you are. I personally welcome doubts and questions because I welcome authentic people. I don’t know all of the answers, but I will help you find them, love you and support you along the way.

Love,

Tahnee XOXOXO

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Today, December 18, 2020 we celebrate the memory of an amazing woman who relocated to Heaven this day 15 years ago.

I will never forget that day. Surrounded by her kids and grandchildren, she met Jesus face to face.

My Nana was the Queen of our large hispanic family. Being the oldest grandchild, I was naturally the favorite. Hahahaha!!! Just kidding, cousins. But I was. Nana had that ability to love us so much individually that we all think we were her favorite. She was strong and brave. She was sick a lot, which led to her young death at age 63. My own mom is 60 now, just 3 years younger than her mom was when she saw Heaven.

Nana always seemed like a grandma to me, but not like a regular grandma, a cool grandma. She was always young at heart. Wow, did she have fashion sense! She was always up on the trends with the teenagers. Remember when those leggings were in style with the lace at the bottoms of the legs? Nana had a pair in every color. Her jewelry was always so much fun too. Homegirl would wear light up earrings and always had a necklace to match. She would sing so loud at church (honestly she would sing anywhere) and she couldn’t carry a tune. But she didn’t care. She gave zero thought about it because she was having fun!

When my sister and I would go spend 2 weeks with her and our Papa in the Summertime, she would take us to the grocery store and let us put whatever we wanted in the cart. She made sure we had swimming lessons every Summer because she never learned to swim herself. Probably to make sure we didn’t go home 10 lbs heavier too, just the regular 5 lbs.

Oh, and the talks we would have! Hours and hours of talking! Sometimes, they would turn into arguments because I’m pretty stubborn and so was she. But for the most part, she talked to me about Jesus. My close friends and family know that I inherited her Bible cover. I cherish it and remember her everyday. No material thing in this world means more to me than that Bible cover. She really encouraged me to follow Jesus and prophesied over me a lot. Those were incredible, special moments. I really wish she was still here. I have never felt more understood than I was by her.

The Family and I talk about Nana so much that her memory will never be forgotten. Our children know her and love her because of the stories we tell.

Liv knows these stories and quotes, or Nana-isms:

Songs she sang to us, and we sing to our kids-

“The Peanut Sat On A Railroad Track”, “Someone’s in the Kitchen with Dina”, my personal favorite, “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, by Guns and Roses. Also, when she thought the popular MC Hammer song, “Can’t Touch This” was saying “King Festus.”

“There is NOTHING, NOTHING worse than a liar.”

The way she would trick you into doing chores. “Who wants to dust my eggs?”

Every time Jeremy and I would go to visit, she would clap her hands together and say to Jeremy, “I have a job for you!” Like it was winning a prize.

Also, she didn’t like to say Jeremy,(I have no clue the reason) so she told him, “I’m gonna call you J.” Yes, she renamed my boyfriend. What a boss.

Liv’s favorite story is when one time my Mom and Pap Pap took Nana and Papa to Monterey, CA to see my sister for an Air Force ceremony. Nana insisted on being pushed in a wheelchair for shopping. They were pushing her around, when suddenly she got up real quick and ran over to a store because she saw something she liked. Ha! Needing a wheelchair, I don’t think so!

If Nana were still here today, she would be so proud of the adults we are. She is so proud of all of us and she loves watching us from Heaven. There are things we all do that are so much like Nana, we are reminded of her every single day. I am so blessed to have been able to spend so much time with her.

I always think of her strength, love and laughter. Her ability to make anyone, even a stranger on the street, feel like family.

Every time we have a cherry limeade from Sonic or see pretty birds like Peacocks, or hear a familiar song, and ESPECIALLY now and at Christmas, we think of you, Nana. Of COURSE you had to get to Heaven right before Jesus’ birthday, so you could be there to celebrate!

You are a true Queen. You always said we were the jewels in your crown and you taught us to shine bright.

I don’t know about you, but in writing this it made me think; How will people remember me when I am in Heaven? How will we remember you?

Love so much it hurts. Help so much it is a sacrifice. Spread Joy so much people smile when they see you coming.

I am so grateful to have had my Nana.

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

Can you please put your hand on your chest? 

I’ll wait. …………

Breathe in. 

Breathe out. 

Do you feel that? That is life. That is your heart. It beats without you having to tell it to do so. This gift of life gives us the opportunity to love, to live.

I took it for granted, the effortless beating.

My chest has been hurting for a few months. My heartrate was getting really high and I was getting dizzy and my vision would go black. I met with a cardiologist and did an Echo and an EKG. I had to wait a bit to get in for a Stress Test. 

In the meantime, I was very worried about my heart. I didn’t let many people know because we didn’t know anything and I didn’t want to be the cause of worry. Everyone is going through enough right now. I  internalized a lot of it and worked through it with my therapist. Because who doesn’t need therapy right now, am I right?

My Doctors thought the rhythm of my heart was off because of radiation spillage from cancer treatments. Great. 

I kept working out, just at a less intensity as my Doctor advised me. YES, I actually did what my Doctor asked me to do, SHOCKER! Well, I did what she said to do for a few weeks at least. I started itching to run, so I ran. It was amazing and my usual acute symptoms were not there anymore. 

I went in for a stress test this week and I cried all the way there. I just couldn’t wrap my head around yet another health struggle. I am not up for it and I’m very sick of tests and Doctors. 

WELLLLLLLLL…….Drumroll……

I am exuberant to report that my heart is in beyond perfect health. The nurses couldn’t believe I am about to be 40 because of the results of my stress test, let alone a cancer survivor with tons of treatments under my belt. I  guess that wish I made to never grow up worked. 

Jesus restores, I am living proof. He is still making miracles happen and He answers prayers. 

I know specific people who prayed for my heart to be restored. Friends, He not only restored it but He made my heart function even better than it was before. I have the tests to prove it. 

This makes no logical sense. This is a miracle. I feel so lucky. How many miracles does one girl get? I think as long as we keep looking for them, they are everywhere. 

Just put your hand on your heart and feel that beat that keeps you alive effortlessly. Miraculous indeed.

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

Oh my goodness it has been a minute since I have written anything.

Is anyone else just NOT okay? The fact that I even want to get words on paper is a celebration for me because it is a sign of healing. Healing of my soul, my mind, my body. I have been in a “stuck” place and Covid certainly has not helped.

I have been learning how to feel everything, instead of just feeding myself positive thoughts and pushing away the negative thoughts. There was a time for that during cancer where I absolutely could not let myself think negative thoughts because I was fighting for my life and wouldn’t have been able to dig myself out of the darkness. Was anyone else conditioned that tears were “bad” and being happy was “good”?

Now I am safe and for the first time in my life allowing sadness and anger and frustration to join the party. You know what? It is freaking empowering. I kinda love it. It is filling those missing holes in my soul. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not snapping at everyone or having teenager-ish angry outbursts. It’s not that at all. Just feeling it, allowing tears, allowing the anger to burn, breathing mindfulness into the frustration, creating boundaries and voicing when I feel wronged; this is all new. Acknowledging my feeling and letting it sit instead of pushing it away. Pushing it away has worked well for me for 39 years, but I want to be an actual person instead of a robot.

I am learning who my safe people are and I absolutely cherish them.

I am lucky enough to have my strong daughter who reminds me to let her feel her feelings. She teaches me so much about being my authentic self. Don’t you love it when people are just themselves and love themselves? I love to cheer people on and cry happy tears when they realize they are so so so special and extraordinary. We should allow ourselves that same kindness of being who we are created to be.

I was reading the end of 2 Corinthians today and read a passage that is spoken a lot and one that I personally love. Paul writes:

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger os Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I will feel the thorns. I will acknowledge them. And I will praise God. Because really, at the end of the day, He is all that is certain in this uncertain time. He gave us all of these amazing feelings to feel deeply. To love completely and fully as He loves us. He created us to be exactly us. If we can find and accept who we were created to be, that my friends is the gift He made us to be for the world.

Believers and non believers, I love you, as the magnificent gift to the world you were created to be.

XOXO

Tahnee

Our 13 year old daughter Liv scared the crap out of us this week. She freaked us out. Once we figured out she wasn’t in danger, we were hugging her. She said, “You guys seem so mad.” I said, “We’re not mad, we are scared.”

It’s interesting how anger and fear can look the same, isn’t it? Have you ever been driving and someone swerves into your lane? You get mad because it scares you.

I grew up in this generation where you don’t name your feelings. You push them away. Being mad is wrong and crying is bad. I am very lucky to have a daughter who reminds me to allow her to feel her feelings. It’s much harder to deal with feelings than pretending they don’t exist.

With the terrible things being brought to light with the murder of yet another black person by a police officer, I see a lot of fear. Fear on all sides. Fear and Anger. Anger and Fear.

Can I ask you to look at yourself and name what you are feeling?

Be willing to feel. Be willing to learn. Humans who are unteachable, non-feeling and unwilling to learn can be most dangerous.

Not one of us is perfect. Think of the worst thing you have ever done. Think of the worst thing you ever said. It makes us a bit uncomfortable, doesn’t it? We must be uncomfortable to allow us to grow. That embarrassment and pain is where true character growth comes from.

If you find yourself looking down on someone, anyone marginalized, especially black people who desperately need our help right now, take a step back. Take a look in the mirror. You might need to sit in your uncomfortableness until you get your soul right and realize that we are all God’s children and should be treated with the same respect you would give yourself.

I remember one time I was staying at my Nana and Papa’s house in Rocky Ford, Colorado. I am the oldest of the grandchildren, and my Papa asked me to run a bath for the little ones. I was probably about 10 years old. He said, “Run the bath as you would for yourself.” Those words still stick with me today.

How you treat people says everything I need to know about you.

Let’s root for each other and lift each other up. Especially the people who need it most, the odds stacked against them from the moment they are born, simply for their skin color being beautifully dark.

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

Anyone else sick of being cooped up? We have been in quarantine since March, but it feels much longer. Jeremy had gone up to Summit County to ski so we took extra precautions. We went quiet a little earlier than others in Colorado.

Weird times. I have not felt like creating or being productive at all. I see people on social media Marie Kondo cleaning and organizing and learning new skills, blah blah blah. I’m just over here working, schooling Liv and trying to keep it together. However you are dealing with isolation and quarantine, you are exactly correct. I go from absolutely hating home schooling Liv to loving it. To totally feeling like I’m a superhero for making dinner, to feeling like a failure if I get too busy to cook. To being so thankful and happy to bursting into tears of sadness and frustration. There is no handbook for this. Of course, exercise is my stress relief so online classes and my neighborhood path have been life saving.

I miss my family and friends. I’m sad we are all missing out on life together. My amazing neighbor Leann has been my saving grace from going completely insane. I love that we can talk outside safely. Good neighbors are gifts from God.

There is so much sadness and loneliness. We have lost 2 family members in the last 2 weeks. We have friends who are dealing with health struggles non-covid related. My soul is sad.

So, what’s the solution?

Gratitude. Always Gratitude.

There is always, always something to be grateful for. Sometimes it’s harder to find the light in the darkness, but it is there.

If you are lonely, please know that you are never ever alone. You know where I’m going, right? There is always one person with you who knows you and loves you more than his own life. He is just waiting for you to talk to him. Are you mad? Cry out to Jesus. Are you hurting? Give him your tears. I myself just keep saying to him: I just don’t understand. I don’t get it. Why is this happening? This totally sucks.

He says that as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are his ways higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be just fine. All of us.

I’m just going to keep going. We all have to just keep going.

Everything is temporary. This will end.

Please reach out to me if you need anything. I would be so honored to pray for you or offer any kind of support you need right now.

Love you so much,

Tahnee XOXO

PS Everyone is Zooming right now, right? Here is a hilarious SNL Zoom parody. Yes, this is my sense of humor. I’m not sorry.

Friends,

Not gonna lie, I was completely anxiety ridden last week. Anxiety hits everyone differently. For me, it’s like I can’t move. I sit really still.

I was able to make myself get outside and take hikes and speed walks and get my heart pumping. I did some strength training at home.

I read my Bible and listened to worship music.

Anxiety would hit and I would be frozen. My mind distracted in the unknown.

It reminded me of the story of Mary and Martha. It’s a tiny paragraph in the Bible, but it carries a huge lesson.

Basically, Jesus and his friends went to a woman named Martha’s house on their way to Jerusalem. Martha opened her home to them so they could rest and eat. Martha’s sister Mary was not helping Martha get everything ready, probably cooking and getting beds ready. It’s not like they called her ahead of time and told her they were coming to stay. Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to everything He had to say. She was learning and soaking in His presence. Martha was understandably frustrated with her sister. I bet Martha was the older sister and Mary was the little sister. Martha was probably muttering to her self and slamming cabinets and sighing and thinking things like, “HELLOOOO Mary! Can’t you see I need help? There are so many things that need to be done.” She even told Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” (verse 40 in Luke) In the next couple of verses, it says, “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Hmmmmm. Okay, so Martha was preparing things for Jesus and His friends. Most likely, she was preparing a magnificent feast instead of mac and cheese or ramen noodles to honor her guests. What was more important though was that her guests were there. She instead should have whipped up something quick (as quick as it could be done in Bible times). She should have put away the distractions in her mind and soaked in the presence of the Prince of Peace.

How very distracting life is right now. We are stressed and panicking. Friends, these feeling are not from God. He is allowing this pandemic, yes. He is making our busy lives slow down on purpose. Maybe so we can re-focus and remember what is truly important. He has a plan and He will use it for good. He is orchestrating something magnificent beyond our understanding. Trust me, I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t lived over and over again this truth.

It totally sucks that big events are cancelled. It sucks that people are out of work. But we are resilient. We pick up and keep moving forward.

In the meantime, we just trust. Hug our kids tighter. Respect our elderly friends and relatives more. Put away the distraction and focus on love. Reach out to your older neighbors and see if you can do anything for them. Write a letter or send a card or spend time actually talking on the phone. Use FaceTime or video Messenger to connect.

Put away the distractions in our mind and spend time with the conductor of our stories, of our life.

This time is temporary, it will pass by and soon our lives will pick back up again. Find the peace and soak it in.

Sending so much love to this hurting world.

Tahnee XO

I have gone dark on here for a few weeks. That usually means I’m dealing with internal struggles. I haven’t felt okay sharing them until now.

I have had to go back on my anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. Big BOOOOO. But, at this time I am thankful for medicine that can help me feel calm and help me organize my thoughts.

Experts say that exercise, particularly cardio, defeats depression and anxiety. I have been and continue running and cardio-ing and lifting, so it was very confusing to me as to why I need meds. It’s not even that I am uncomfortable with the stigma behind mental illness. I have never cared much about what others think of me. What feels uncomfortable about it is that I feel not strong enough and sad that God is allowing this again.

My biggest concern was that I was not going to be able to feel God’s presence or hear from Him while being on these meds, since they have numbed me in the past.

I was worshipping at church the other day and I could not feel the Spirit. I began to cry, my biggest fear of being on this medicine was happening. God heard my cry and collected all of my tears. I began to pray, God please break through the medicine. Over and over again. God break through, God break through. I believe, I believe.

I have been reading the Gospels lately, and over and over again, I am seeing people of great faith. The woman who was healed by just touching Jesus’ clothes. The ruler who knelt before Jesus and told him his daughter just died and the ruler believed Jesus could bring her back to life. The men who were blind but Jesus touched them and they could see.

While we were worshipping, I suddenly felt something in me heal. God broke through the medicine and held me close. It almost knocked me off my feet. He put me at ease and reminded me that He Is God, Creator of the Universe, Healer. Most of all, God Is Love.

When was the last time God’s love gripped you so close, so all enveloping, that it knocked you off your feet?

God is bigger than medicine. He is bigger than sickness. He is bigger than any giants that we face. David defeated the giant Goliath with a slingshot. Seriously. Because he had faith. God prepared David for this by having him protect the sheep. When another animal came to attack the sheep, David would go after the sheep, strike the bigger animal and kill it. You never know what God is preparing you for.

Sometimes our prayers aren’t answered the way we think they should be. People die, people are sick for years, that relationship with a loved one may not be healed, you might not get that promotion or that job, you might not feel financially free.

It’s in the darkness where our faith is tested.

I want to encourage you to turn to God if you are in a dark place. Read your Bible, sing songs of worship, talk to the King of the Universe. There is no relationship more safe than this. He is complete, unconditional love and He is waiting for you.

This song by King and Country has helped me step into a new day, each day. You are here for today. Don’t look back.

Love,

Tahnee XOXO

For Jeremy.

Love is meeting him at age 21 and knowing it’s game over

It’s knowing nothing about hockey but going to watch him play every week

It’s cooking dinner for him

It’s him carrying me to bed

It’s bringing him coffee in bed in the mornings

It’s me not caring what my wedding dress looked like, just knowing that I wanted him to be mine

Love is having a beautiful baby girl

It’s holding that baby girl so carefully, taking baby steps, tears streaming down his face, to show her to our waiting family

It’s taking shifts bouncing a swaddled colicky baby

It’s leaky boobs, messy hair, baby puke, exhausting days and sleepless nights

It’s him taking care of and protecting his girls

Love is finding Jesus and being baptized together

Love is him getting laid off and having to collect unemployment while we have a daughter and a mortgage to take care of and not having money and playing games together and living a simple life and enjoying it anyway

Love is starting a business with $500 in the bank

Love is when I started getting sick and the doctors couldn’t figure out a diagnosis

It’s learning how to cook for me to eat gluten free, corn free and dairy free

It’s helping me get healthy again

It’s being my biggest fan during races

It’s him hating to run but running races with me anyway

Love is me quitting a job to work for his successful business. Our business.

It’s being a team in life

Love is being with me when they gave us the breast cancer diagnosis

Love is him documenting with beautiful photos what my body looked like before

Love is him staying with me until they took me back to surgery

Love is being able to look at him and not feel afraid when they told us it got into my lymph nodes

Love is him spending the night at the hospital with me after the double mastectomy

Love is making sure I was comfortable at home

Love is him giving me a shower, being careful of the drains and tubes that stuck out of my mangled body

Love is letting me cry and lose my shit the first time I saw the place where my breasts use to be

 Love is shaving my head for me and telling me I was going to rock it

Love is shaving his head too

Love is going to my first chemo appointment with me

Love is crying with me the day all the little hairs on my head fell out

Love is letting me fall asleep on him early in the evenings

Love is him making me feel beautiful bald, sick from chemo, with no breasts, eyelashes, or eyebrows

Love is fighting for our marriage

Love is supporting me through tough decisions about medicine and wellness

Love is celebrating that I can run and lift and be healthy

Love is having honest conversations that aren’t always fun

Love is letting me bounce ideas and dreams and random thoughts around

Love is turning those ideas, dreams and thoughts into reality

Love is him helping me find my way back to me

Love is making our dreams come true 

Love is realizing we can do anything together

Love is me spending the rest of my life making him feel as totally known and loved as he has loved me

Philippians 2:2 Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.

Love Is.

For Jeremy.

Love is meeting him at age 21 and knowing it’s game over

It’s knowing nothing about hockey but going to watch him play every week

It’s cooking dinner for him

It’s him carrying me to bed

It’s bringing him coffee in bed in the mornings

It’s me not caring what my wedding dress looked like, just knowing that I wanted him to be mine

 

Love is having a beautiful baby girl

It’s holding that baby girl so carefully, taking baby steps, tears streaming down his face, to show her to our waiting family

It’s taking shifts bouncing a swaddled colicky baby

It’s leaky boobs, messy hair, baby puke, exhausting days and sleepless nights

It’s him taking care of and protecting his girls

 

Love is finding Jesus and being baptized together

 

Love is him getting laid off and having to collect unemployment while we have a daughter and a mortgage to take care of and not having money and playing games together and living a simple life and enjoying it anyway

 

Love is starting a business with $500 in the bank

 

Love is when I started getting sick and the doctors couldn’t figure out a diagnosis

It’s learning how to cook for me to eat gluten free, corn free and dairy free

It’s helping me get healthy again

It’s being my biggest fan during races

It’s him hating to run but running races with me anyway

 

Love is me quitting a job to work for his successful business. Our business.

It’s being a team in life

 

Love is being with me when they gave us the breast cancer diagnosis

Love is him documenting with beautiful photos what my body looked like before

Love is him staying with me until they took me back to surgery

Love is being able to look at him and not feel afraid when they told us it got into my lymph nodes

Love is him spending the night at the hospital with me after the double mastectomy

Love is making sure I was comfortable at home

Love is him giving me a shower, being careful of the drains and tubes that stuck out of my mangled body

Love is letting me cry and lose my shit the first time I saw the place where my breasts use to be

 

Love is shaving my head for me and telling me I was going to rock it

Love is shaving his head too

Love is going to my first chemo appointment with me

Love is crying with me the day all the little hairs on my head fell out

Love is letting me fall asleep on him early in the evenings

Love is him making me feel beautiful bald, sick from chemo, with no breasts, eyelashes, or eyebrows

Love is him helping me find my way back to me

Love is me spending the rest of my life making him feel as totally known and loved as he has loved me